Characters[]
- Jenny Williams
- Sarah West
- Sebastian
Voices[]
- Nicole as Jenny Williams
- Julie as Sarah West
- Sebastian as Himself
Summary[]
Jenny talks to Sarah about a few things.
Note: Sarah, if you're reading this page, feel free to ask some questions as you read each section.
Transcript[]
Introduction[]
Sebastian: Hey, Sarah, Jenny needs to talk to you.
Sarah: She needs to talk to me? Why?
Sebastian: Because she says it's really important. Please go into the room and talk to Jenny.
Sarah: Uh, okay.
(Sarah comes into the room where Jenny is in)
Jenny: Hello, Sarah. I'm glad that you came. There's something I have to talk to you about. What I have to tell you is very important, and you need to understand every single detail. So, are you ready to begin?
Sarah: Uh, yeah, I think so.
Jenny: Good. Sit down, and let's begin. We have lots to talk about.
Part 1: Grammar and Spelling[]
Jenny: So, the first thing I want to talk about is your writing problems.
Sarah: What's wrong with my writing?
Jenny: Well, there are quite a few things wrong with your writing. Allow me to explain. Are you listening?
Sarah: Yes.
Jenny: Okay, then. Here's what's wrong with your writing. You seem to have a bit of trouble with uppercase and lowercase letters. Sometimes, you make a few words uppercase when they're supposed to be lowercase and you make a few words lowercase when they're supposed to be uppercase. You end almost all of your sentences or statements with an exclamation point, even when they're not interjections or don't need to be expressed with really strong emotion. Your subject-verb agreements are very faulty. You also tend to get confused when it comes to personal pronouns.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes, really. It seems to me that your writing hasn't improved at all. In fact, it's gotten a tad bit worse.
Sarah: It has?
Jenny: Yes, it has. That's why I want to help you improve your grammar.
Sarah: Improve my grammar? How?
Jenny: Well, I've made a few pages here on this wiki, and I'm currently writing a grammar guide, but I'm certain that the pages I'm making will help. But, I could give you some advice now that you're here.
Sarah: What kind of advice?
Jenny: Well, I'm going to give you some tidbits to improve your grammar.
Sarah: Oh...okay.
Jenny: First off, you cannot end all of your sentences with exclamation marks. You can only do that if you're writing an exclamatory sentence or using an interjection, and not everything you say has to be an exclamatory sentence or an interjection.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes, really. Second of all, you seem to have a little bit of trouble when it comes to subject-verb agreement.
Sarah: How come?
Jenny: Well, you don't really seem to grasp the concept of subject-verb agreement and how it works in sentences. You don't really seem to know how to get subjects and verbs to agree.
Sarah: I don't?
Jenny: Of course you don't.
Sarah: But, how do you know?
Jenny: Well, subject-verb agreement is all about numbers. A subject has to agree with its verb in number. Single subjects are followed by single verbs and plural subjects are followed by plural verbs. But, you usually tend to make plural subjects be followed by singular verbs, which makes your subject-verb agreement incorrect. For example, when you attempt to use subject verb agreement, you might say something like "Paul and Eric walks down the street", which doesn't sound correct.
Sarah: How come?
Jenny: Well, if a singular verb follows a plural subject, they will not agree. The correct way to make a subject and a verb agree with each other is to make sure that they match up. If the subject is singular, you follow it with a singular verb. If the subject is plural, you follow it with a plural verb. To make it more simple, you can check your sentence to see if your subject-verb agreement is correct by removing the extra words, leaving just the subject and verb. sometimes with the English language, that's the best way to know if something's correct. "Paul and Eric walk" agrees in number, but "Paul and Eric walks" does not. You can hear that the first way just sounds more correct.
Sarah: That sounds kinda complicated.
Jenny: It does, but once you get the hang of it, it's rather simple. Most verbs that end in "s" are singular. That's the opposite of nouns; when they end in "s'", they're usually plural. So, the correct sentence is "Paul and Eric walk down the street."
Sarah: Oh, I get it now.
Jenny: Another problem with your grammar is that your use of personal pronouns isn't very good.
Sarah: It's not?
Jenny: No, it's not. For example, when you write a sentence about you and another person doing something, you often say something like "Me and Lilly went to the movies." That doesn't sound right.
Sarah: Why not? It sounds right to me.
Jenny: Well, it isn't right. It's supposed to be "Lilly and I went to the movies." Think of it this way, Sarah. Would you say "I went to the movies" or "Me went to the movies"?
Sarah: Uh..."I went to the movies"?
Jenny: Exactly. You would never say "Me went to the movies". "I went to the movies" is correct. So, the correct sentence is "Lilly and I went to the movies".
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: The same thing goes to sentences like "Alice throws the ball to Francis and me".
Sarah: I see.
Part 2: Original Characters and Plagiarism[]
Jenny: The next thing I want to talk about is your OCs.
Sarah: My OCs?
Jenny: You know, your original characters.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: Listen, Sarah, I know that you like to make your own original characters, but there's only one problem: not all of the OCs you make belong to you.
Sarah: They don't?
Jenny: No. Sometimes, you tend to steal OCs and claim them as your own.
Sarah: Do I?
Jenny: Yes. We all know about your bad habit of stealing OCs or already-made characters and claiming them as your own.
Sarah: Do I really steal OCs? If so, then how do you know?
Jenny: Well, I do a little reverse search or check the file name. When I see that the file name says that it was created by someone on DeviantArt, I realize that the OC isn't yours. I also notice that when you steal an OC, you sometimes change the name of that OC and claim that you made it yourself. The truth is, you might not even know that the OC you stole already belongs to someone, and that OC might already have a name.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes, really. To be honest, your habit of stealing OCs could get you in a lot of trouble.
Sarah: It could?
Jenny: Yes, it could. The truth is, Sarah, you're not very original when it comes to making OCs, and the only ones you're original with are characters you make using dress up games on websites like Rinmaru Games and Doll Divine, the ones that you draw by hand, or the characters you make on GoAnimate. When you don't use those websites to make OCs from scratch, you take random, already-made OCs, existing characters, possibly already-taken character adoptables, and character renders from DeviantArt and claim to have made them yourself. You also use random character clipart for your OCs, which doesn't really solve your problem with plagiarism.
Sarah: It doesn't?
Jenny: No, it doesn't.
Sarah: Why not?
Jenny: Because it's not being very original.
Sarah: But how come?
Jenny: Well, plagiarism is the act of submitting someone else's work as your own. Whatever you do, you can't steal someone else's ideas, even if they're original characters.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes, really.
Sarah: Whoa...I didn't realize that I was stealing OCs that belonged to other people.
Jenny: Well, now you do. Stealing from someone else is not a good thing to do, because stealing can lead to dire consequences.
Part 3: Creativity and Originality/Character Appearances/Overusing Stereotypes/Mood and Tone[]
Jenny: Another problem of yours is that your ideas aren't very creative or original.
Sarah: They're not? Why?
Jenny: Because you tend to use the same concepts over and over again. And if you use them over and over again, they become very cliche and boring.
Sarah: What concepts do I use over and over again?
Jenny: You use the same concepts for video games, movies, and even character personalities and interests. You keep using them over and over and over again.
Sarah: I do?
Jenny: Yes, you do. It's becoming very monotonous, unoriginal, and repetitive.
Sarah: It is?
Jenny: Yes.
Sarah: How do you know that my concepts are boring and repetitive?
Jenny: Allow me to explain. First of all, let's talk about the personalities and interests you give your OCs.
Sarah: What makes the personalities and interests I give my OCs so repetitive and boring?
Jenny: Well, your OCs don't really have that much personality. You just make their personalities the same as yours: ditzy, naive, childlike, always happy-go-lucky, gets upset easily when someone bullies them, and slightly immature. You also give your OCs the same interests that you have, such as Disney and anime.
Sarah: What's so wrong about giving my OCs the same personality that I have and making them like the same things I like?
Jenny: The point is, "OC" stands for "original character", and the personalities and interests you give your OCs aren't very original. In fact, if you give them all the same personalities and interests, they're not original characters at all. They're unoriginal Mary-Sues.
Sarah: Huh? What's a Mary-Sue?
Jenny: A Mary-Sue is a fictional character often recognized as an author insert or wish fulfillment. They're very unoriginal and are a complete waste of time.
A Mary-Sue is a very unoriginal character that is only used as an author insert or a wish fulfillment. They're just a total waste of time and not very creative or original at all.
Sarah: So, you think that the OCs I make are Mary-Sues?
Jenny: Somewhat. The only way I can make them more original is by giving them more different, complex personalities and different interests. I give them these personalities by taking a look at their appearances and think of some good personalities and interests for them. For example, if an OC you make looks shy, I give them a shy, introverted personality, and if an OC you make looks athletic, I give them an athletic, humble personality.
Sarah: I...I don't understand. What are you trying to tell me?
Jenny: Sarah, what I'm saying is that not everyone can be like you. Not everyone has the same personality or interests as you do.
Sarah: Not everyone has the same personality or interests as me?
Jenny: It's true, Sarah.
Sarah: Not even my OCs?
Jenny: Nope, not even your OCs. We all have different interests and personalities, and your OCs should have different interests and personalities, too.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: Think of it this way, Sarah. If everyone were the same, it wouldn't be that much fun. In fact, it could get very boring if we all had the same personalities, interests, hobbies, or skills. That's why everyone is different. What makes people different are what makes them special.
Sarah: I guess you're right...It can be boring if everyone were the same. Maybe I should've thought about that before I decided that all of my OCs should be like me. If I made my OCs interact with each other, I don't think they'll have much fun together.
Jenny: That's right. That's why I changed the personalities and interests of them. The next time you make an OC, try to brainstorm some different personalities and interests for them, so they won't be Mary-Sue-like.
Sarah: I see. I guess I'll try.
Jenny: Another thing about the characters you create is that, sometimes, their appearances might not match up with the personalities you have in mind for them.
Sarah: Really? Why not?
Jenny: Well, first off, I've noticed that you sometimes like to give your characters a certain type of eyebrows.
Sarah: Huh? What are you talking about?
Sarah: So, what's so wrong about that?
Jenny: Well, those eyebrows might show that a character is shy, quiet, timid, or cowardly. But you tend to put them on some characters you describe as cheerful and happy-go-lucky.
Sarah: So?
Jenny: Those eyebrows don't fit characters that are cheerful and happy-go-lucky. Those eyebrows are more suitable for characters who are shy and timid. If you want to create characters who are not shy or timid, you can use eyebrows that are straight and curved upward instead of down. Like these ones:
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Now that we're talking about eyebrows, now might be a good time to describe personality traits based on eye color.
Sarah: Okay...
Jenny: Scientists say that the color of your eyes reveals information about your personality.
Sarah: Is that really true?
Jenny: Of course it is. You can tell what someone's personality is just by looking at the color of their eyes.
Sarah: So, uh, what does a person's eye color say about their personality?
Jenny: Well, for example, it is said that most people with blue eyes are attractive and youthful, in addition to having a very calm and peaceful personality. Blue eyes are also representative of knowledge. People who have brown eyes are said to be very independent, self-confident and determined. They are known to be trustworthy, and have a sense of security and stability. People with green eyes are curious about nature, very passionate in their relationships with other people and have an overall positive and creative outlook on life. These people tend to get jealous easily, but possess large amounts of love. People with hazel eyes are spontaneous and will rarely back down from a challenge. If there is more green mixed into their eyes, they like to be mischievous. If they have more brown mixed in, they are more approachable to other people. People with black eyes are known to be very secretive and keep to themselves around new faces until they feel comfortable. They are very passionate and loyal, especially to their friends. People with black eyes are also very intuitive and have the ability to tap into powerful energy. People with gray eyes are known to be very wise and gentile. These people are sensitive, but have a strong inner strength and think analytically. They can also very easily change their mood to suit any situation at hand.
Sarah: Wow. I never knew that before.
Jenny: Well, maybe you should try giving some of your characters personalities based on the color of their eyes.
Sarah: But what if the eye colors I give them aren't blue, brown, green, hazel, black, or gray? What if they're other colors like pink, purple, or orange?
Jenny: Well, that's up to you. You can give them any eye color you want, as long as it matches the personality you give them.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: You can also tell what someone's personality is by looking at their hair color.
Sarah: How so?
Jenny: Well, just like the color of someone's eyes tells you a little about their personality, the color of their hair might tell you a little about their personality, too. For example, people with red or orange hair are mysterious, romantic, passionate, alluring and fiery. Some of them can also be impulsive and hotheaded. Stereotypical redheads are often fiery, loud, and passionate. Some people with blonde or yellow hair, specifically females, are generally high maintenance. Blonde hair is sometimes perceived to be youthful, naive, obedient, or probably a mix of all three. Stereotypical blondes are usually perceived as "airheaded" and perhaps unwittingly attract chaos around them. Other people with blonde hair tend to have an energy and vitality to them. People with brown hair are often average, ordinary, everyday characters. However, even "everyday" people can have hidden strengths, and they are often quite competent. Most people with brown hair are very smart and hardworking. They are also a little more serious than others and tend to form long term relationships. People with black hair are usually the mysterious type. They are mostly serious and self-centered but also tend to have self-doubt. Some of them are proven to be great therapists or poets. But not only there are characters with natural hair colors. Some characters have hair colors that many of us don't have. Characters with green hair are quiet and introspective. They can also be very smart and caring. Characters with pink hair have an innocent, bubbly, kind personality. Characters with blue hair are cold, calm, or focused. They may also be introverted, wise, or both. Characters with purple hair may be aloof, powerful, or egotistical, but some of them can be calm, compassionate, and artistic.
Sarah: Wow. That's a lot of hair colors to choose from.
Jenny: You should try giving your characters personalities based on both their hair color and their eye color.
Sarah: Gee, I guess I should.
Jenny: While we're at it, maybe this might be a good time to give you some advice on how to make good OCs. I'm going to give you some tips on how to improve your OCs to make them more original and less Mary Sue-ish. Are you listening?
Sarah: Yes, Jenny. I am listening.
Jenny: Good. The first step to making a well-made OC is to give it a design that flows well and is not all over the place.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: Well, the design for an OC should not have too many colors, especially overused rainbow colors, or it won't be very original. If you want to give your OCs some colors that match their appearance, look up some color pallets online. There are a lot of beautiful ones. Also, try to correlate their wardrobe with their personality. For example, a gloomy character would wear dark colors, like black and gray.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: A well-made OC should also have a good backstory. Their backstory should not have a bunch of deaths and mental disorders thrown in, especially if you don't know a thing about those disorders. Disorders and deaths are okay to include in your OC's backstory, especially if it connects to you personally. However, you have to make sure it doesn't overwhelm the story of your OC. Your character's backstory should also connect with the character, and it should explain who they are or why they're the way they are. For example, if your OC has high self-esteem issues, you could explain that it's because they have high standards put on them.
Sarah: Oh. I didn't know that before.
Jenny: If your OC is in a fandom, you should try to follow that fandom's culture. If some of your OCs are in a fandom, try to create something original. For example, if you were writing a fanfiction that was based off an anime, it would be most likely set in Japan. You must keep that in mind when choosing names, locations, background, etc., such as a Japanese high school and a family that operates differently than in countries outside Japan.
Sarah: So you're saying that if an OC I make is based on a show, movie, or video game I like, I have to make sure that OC follows the culture of that show, movie, or video game?
Jenny: That's correct.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Your OCs should not have any overpowered circumstances and should not be picture perfect. An example of an OC with too many overpowered circumstances and perfect in every way could be a character who is immune to everything, has the most powerful magic, gets the highest grades, and is loved by everyone. You don't want your OCs to be like that, do you?
Sarah: Um, no, I don't.
Jenny: Good answer. Nobody is perfect, and neither should be your OCs. You have to make sure that the flaws of your OCs are balanced well. For example, if you make a character who is the smartest kid in school, you could say that they have very good grades, but are teased for being a "nerd".
Sarah: That seems to make sense.
Jenny: Your OCs should also have personalities that actually have meaning and are not random or vague. For example, an OC with a random, vague personality has many different traits, such as kind, sporty, creative, lonely, funny, sensitive, and fancy, but all of those traits don't really seem to fit the character very well. In order to give your OC a personality that actually has meaning to it, try to incorporate their backstory into their personality. You should also show some quirkiness or depth.
Sarah: I should?
Jenny: Of course you should. Personalities should always connect with the history of the characters you make so that people can understand why your characters are the way they are.
Sarah: Hmm, that makes sense now.
Jenny: So, do you understand everything I explained to you about improving your OCs to make them more original?
Sarah: Um, yeah, I guess.
Jenny: Now let's talk about your concepts for movies and video games. The problem is that you tend to give very repetitive and unoriginal concepts to your ideas for movies, TV shows, and video games.
Sarah: I do? How?
Jenny: Well, almost all of your movie or video game ideas involve a cute anthropomorphic creature rescuing a human damsel in distress, a group of magical female superheroes saving the world from an evil threat, or...something like that, if you know what I mean.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: You also like making very strange crossover ideas. For instance, you like to make crossovers of Woody Woodpecker and anime, which isn't a very good combination.
Sarah: It isn't? Why not?
Jenny: Well, they just don't go very well together. The same goes with a few other crossovers you tend to create. Some franchises just don't go well together. It's like a cheeseburger sundae, because it might have two great tastes when separated, but when they're put together, they just leave a bad taste in your mouth.
Sarah: They do?
Jenny: Of course they do, Sarah.
Sarah: So, you're saying that some franchises don't go well together when crossed over together?
Jenny: Of course they don't.
Sarah: But why not?
Jenny: They just don't. In fact, a few people might not even like the crossovers you make.
Sarah: How come?
Jenny: Well, we all have mixed opinions on certain things.
Jenny: Another problem with your OCs is that you sometimes stick stereotypes into them.
Sarah: Stereotypes? What kind of stereotypes?
Jenny: Well, whenever you make a princess OC, you tend to stick the stereotype of all princesses being damsels in distress into that OC.
Sarah: Do I?
Jenny: Yes, you do. Whenever you make a princess OC, you decide that the princess OC you made either has to be kidnapped and held for ransom by a fictional villain, and then a cute anthropomorphic creature has to come rescue her, or a magical being whose only purpose is to free someone who has had a curse placed on them.
Sarah: I know that. What's so wrong about making my princess OCs damsels in distress?
Jenny: Well, it's just becoming too repetitive.
Sarah: Why?
Jenny: Because when you stick a certain stereotype into every single character you make, it becomes very cliche. And besides, nobody likes characters that are stereotyped way too often.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Of course, Sarah. Not every princess is a damsel in distress.
Sarah: Why not?
Jenny: Because there's more to a princess than just getting kidnapped and held for ransom or freeing others from curses all the time.
Sarah: More? Like what?
Jenny: Well, real princesses are not just beautiful women in crowns and fancy dresses. If you ever watched all of the Disney princess movies, you should know by now that they, along with other fictional princesses, have evolved past the "damsel in distress" stereotype since 1937. They don't just end up being captive and wait for their Prince Charmings to rescue them anymore. A real princess has to be brave and stand up for herself. She has to be wise and give her knowledge to others. She has to be strong and be able to defend herself when there's danger. There's a trope called "Damsel Out of Distress". Characters that fall into that trope reject the traditional "damsel in distress" routine. They can take care of themselves, so there's absolutely no need for them to wait for a hero to rescue them. They are able to escape on their own, or at least makes significant progress towards it before the hero can find them. They might even help the hero escape the danger he's putting himself into.
Sarah: Ohhhh! I see! So, should my princess OCs be brave, smart, and strong, too? Should they be "damsels out of distress" that are able to escape on their own when they get kidnapped by evil villians?
Jenny: Yes, Sarah. They should. But, as far as I'm concerned, you don't just stick stereotypes into royal characters.
Sarah: But...what kind of characters do I stick stereotypes in?
Jenny: Well, first of all, you have a tendency to stick stereotypes into fictional characters who are either heroes or villains.
Sarah: Do I?
Jenny: Yes, you do. For example, when you make a villain character, you make them villains who represent the ultimate evil. You don't give them explanation behind their evilness. Of course, there needs to be a reason why they're evil. Their villainous ways should derive from something like childhood traumas, broken hearts, or feelings of revenge.
Sarah: Are those things that make them evil?
Jenny: Well, of course. A villain's start of darkness has to have some sort of backstory to it. They need to have ambition and underlying intentions. They can't just be evil for no apparent reason.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: And their evil ways aren't just kidnapping people or terrorizing towns. There are more evil things that villains can do than just that.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: Well, they can invent machines to make people do their bidding. They can shoplift at stores. They can rob banks. Basically, a villain can do bad things which will eventually lead to their downfall.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: You also seem to stereotype hero characters, too.
Sarah: Really? How?
Jenny: Well, you seem to think that heroes are always characters who do good things. You think that all heroes are perfect, goody-two-shoes characters who are really kind-hearted and won't hurt a fly and step in when someone is in trouble, and have no motivation other than to be a hero. Most stereotypical heroes are just goody-two-shoes who always save the day with no other motivation other than to save people. Fictional heroes don't just fight evil for the greater good and to get praise from their peers. Some heroes try to bring justice to the world because they have a personal reason to fight crime. There's a saying that goes "With great power comes great responsibility". That means that most heroes need to learn how to control their powers while also becoming independent and strong in their everyday lives. They don't use their powers as crutches, but to help a whole diverse set of personalities to focus and pull together.
Sarah: So, heroes need motivations to fight evil?
Jenny: Of course. But there aren't just heroes with superpowers. Everyday heroes, like firemen or police officers, do good deeds and help out other people in their community, and they don't need special powers for that. Many heroes, or protagonists, are people who do good things for others and help them when they have a problem.
Sarah: Oh. I never knew that before.
Jenny: Another problem is that you don't seem to understand how mood and tone in stories work.
Sarah: I don't?
Jenny: No, you don't.
Sarah: How come?
Jenny: Well, when you try to give a story a very dark tone, you're obviously trying too hard.
Sarah: How so?
Jenny: In a few dark-toned plots you make, you tend to put a random character into a situation where they end up being kidnapped and placed in a dark dungeon, having a curse placed on them, or being left in a situation where they feel depressed and lonely, but then give it a sappy ending where the character eventually gets rescued by some magical being and lives happily ever after. That's ruining the mood for the story.
Sarah: It is?
Jenny: Of course it is. That's not writing a proper story with a dark tone.
Sarah: Then how can I write a story with a dark tone without it being too dark or having an overly-sappy ending?
Jenny: Well, here's how. First, you have to remove the notion of 'sight'. Vision is by far the most important way we have of seeing things; suspense comes greatly from what you're unable to perceive. Remove sight, increase smells, sounds, and any other form of perception. There is nothing so suspenseful as the anticipation of what's coming to you, so make sure to stretch the phases of unknown to their maximum. Anticipation is your best tool.
Sarah: Okay...how else?
Jenny: To learn writing a specific tone, read books that has the kind of tone you want. You can even retype a chapter or two to get a feel for how that author/tone "feels in your fingers."
Sarah: Can you give me a few examples on how that might work?
Jenny: Certainly. The first example is this: A protagonist that follows a negative character arc has the potential to leave your readers with a sense of suspense and wanting to read more. Writing about suspenseful events and things that characters have to do should help get things a little more suspenseful. A light contrast to the darkness will make things even darker, like a hopelessly hopeful character. Use descriptions and metaphors that allude to anything that's morbid, and use morbid descriptions to describe everyday things. But before you start writing, ask yourself this: Do you want the story to be supernatural, explained, or ambiguous? "Supernatural" means there are, indeed, demons, ghosts, and goblins. "Explained" means you're just imagining it, or you're being taken for a ride - it's the so-called "Scooby-Doo Gothic". Ambiguous is, well, self-explanatory. Try to unsettle your reader. The best way to do this is to opt for ambiguity. Demons are scary, and so is madness, but it's even scarier when you can't differentiate between the two. You should also try to include the reader. Use metatextual strategies, try to make the reader realize that the reality of the text and his/her own reality need not be two separate things. There are many ways to do this, but perhaps the easiest and a quite effective one is defamiliarization. Be ambiguous when you describe time or setting. "Some time" is better than "five minutes", and "a field of unknown length" is better than "a field as long as a football stadium". Use "marker words" related to your genre, as well as to the point above, such as "endless", "infinite", "vast", "unreal", "hazy", or "uncanny". But I don't think you have to have so much "dark tone" in there. Just a few well chosen words here and there...or it risks turning into melodrama or exaggeration. And you shouldn't start with the tone, if that's what you're doing. Your first step should be to develop the characters and the plot, and write the first draft. Once you have that, see what edits you can do to turn things darker. You could develop the darker things and remove some of the lighter.
Sarah: I see.
Part 4: Properly Working on Wikis []
Jenny: Another problem is that you don't seem to understand a few basics of working on wikis.
Sarah: I don't?
Jenny: No.
Sarah: How come?
Jenny: Well, first of all, you don't quite seem to understand how deleting pages works.
Sarah: I don't?
Jenny: Of course not. You seem to think that you can delete a page just by removing all of its content and renaming it to something like "This page is deleted".
Sarah: Well, if I make a page completely blank, does that mean I deleted that page?
Jenny: No. If you remove content from a wiki page and change its name to "This page is deleted", it won't be deleted. It'll still be there, but as a blank page with no content.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes, really. Blanking a page and saying "this page is deleted" does not count as deleting it.
Sarah: It doesn't?
Jenny: No, it doesn't.
Sarah: Then how can I delete a page?
Jenny: Well, there are two ways to delete a page. The first option is that you can delete the page yourself, but you have to be an administrator in order to access the "Delete this page" button.
Sarah: But I'm not an admin in any of the wikis I contribute to.
Jenny: That's the problem. If you're not an admin, you cannot delete a page.
Sarah: So, what's the second option?
Jenny: The second option is that you can mark a page for deletion and ask the admins of the wiki to delete it for you.
Sarah: But...how can I mark a page for deletion?
Jenny: Well, it's simple. You just add the Candidate for Deletion tab.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: On the right side of the editing screen, you'll see a small box on the bottom that says "Templates". Click on it, and it'll show two buttons that say "Add other templates" and "Show list of used templates". Click on the "add other templates" button, and when you see the word "Delete", click on it, and the Delete tab will be added to the page.
Sarah: Oh, I see. That sounds kinda tricky.
Jenny: Actually, Sarah, it's fairly easy once you get the hang of it. There are many templates that you can use on a page.
Sarah: But...what kinds of templates?
Jenny: Well, to start, there are something we call infoboxes. The infoboxes are for information on the topic of the pages.
Sarah: How do you use those?
Jenny: It's simple. You just fill in the empty boxes with little tidbits of information. Here are a few examples below:
| Stage Fright on a Summer Night | |
|---|---|
Vital statistics
| |
| Author | Mary Pope Osborne |
| Illustrator | Salvatore Murdocca |
| Published on | March 12, 2002 |
| Published by | Random House |
Publication order
| |
| Previous | Next |
| Earthquake in the Early Morning | Good Morning, Gorillas |
| The Big Job | |
|---|---|
| Season 4, Episode 2 | |
Vital statistics
| |
| Air date | February 10, 2007 |
| Written by | Kurt Weldon |
| Directed by | Alan Wan & Kalvin Lee |
Episode guide
| |
| Previous | Next |
| Ill Suited | Trading Faces |
Sarah: Ohhh, I see, I see.
Jenny: Then there are templates that warn people of certain content. For example, there's the Mature template, which warns readers that the page might contain profanity or innapropriate content, like this:
This page might contain profanity and it may not be suitable for all ages. Read at your own risk.
Sarah: Okay...
Jenny: Then there are templates that are a little more complex, like the forumheader or the navigation box.
Sarah: How do you use those?
Jenny: Well, you do the same thing you do with the simpler templates. You just write in some information, like this:
| Writers |
|---|
| Louisa May Alcott |
Sarah: Oh, I never knew that.
Jenny: Well, now you do. The next thing you need to learn to do properly is to add features and media to pages. I already know that you sometimes add photos or galleries to pages, but there seems to be a little problem with the photo galleries you create.
Sarah: What's the problem?
Jenny: Well, the problem is that you always add the link of the page that the photos are already on.
Sarah: Do I?
Jenny: Yes, you do. It's not okay to add the link to the page that an image is already on.
Sarah: How come?
Jenny: Well, people would want to see the pictures more closely, and to do that, they need to click on the pictures to expand them.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Of course. That's the reason why you cannot add the link to the page that the image is already on.
Sarah: Oh. I never thought of it that way.
Jenny:
Jenny: The next thing you need to learn to do properly is to make comments in comment sections of pages and answer to the messages on your message wall. It seems to me that you almost never respond to messages on your wall or leave comments in comment sections. Do you still remember how you can answer to your message wall and make comments, or did you just forget?
Sarah: I...I don't know. It's been more than a few months since I last responded to my message walls or posted any comments, and I think I've forgotten how to reply to messages on my wall.
Jenny: You have? Well, then, I think it's time I told you how to do so.
Sarah: Okay.
Jenny: If you take a look at the top right corner of a wiki page you're on, you will see three icons for your profile, notifications, and your message wall.
Sarah: Okay...Which one is the icon for my message wall?
Jenny: Well, the message wall icon is the icon that sort of looks like a comic book speech balloon. If someone has left a message on your wall, click on it and it will send you to that message so you can respond to it.
Part 5: Acting Your Age/Controlling Your Emotions/Getting in Shape[]
Jenny: Here's another problem of yours.
Sarah: What is it?
Jenny: Well, you're not very mature for a 21-year-old.
Sarah: I'm not?
Jenny: No. In fact, you can be very immature for a young adult.
Sarah: Why am I immature?
Jenny: Well, you're very naive and tend to act more like a little child than a grown woman. You make up ideas for very kiddie-sounding movies, you still play with dolls, and you're very obsessed with rainbows, fairies, princesses, and whatnot. In other words, you still like a few things that little children like, and you haven't outgrown them, like normal people do when they become adults. You also tend to get upset over small things that adults normally wouldn't get upset about.
Sarah: Then how can I become an adult?
Jenny: Well, it's simple. First of all, you need to develop some mature behaviors.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: Well, for starters, you should start developing your interests.
Sarah: You mean my interests in TV shows, movies, and video games?
Jenny: Something like that. But lacking dynamic or developed interests or hobbies might contribute to your seeming immature. Finding something that you enjoy doing and becoming an "expert" at it can make you seem more experienced and mature. It will also give you something to talk about with others, whether or not they also participate in your hobby. Try to keep your hobbies active and productive. It's a lot of fun to marathon a TV show, but it isn't necessarily the best use of your time.
Sarah: Does that mean I can't enjoy my favorite TV shows, movies, or video games?
Jenny: Well, not really, but they shouldn't be the only things you spend your time on.
Sarah: Really? So, if I can't spend my whole time watching my favorite shows or movies and playing my favorite video games, then how can I spend my free time besides doing something that has a screen?
Jenny: Well, taking up new hobbies can increase your self-esteem and boost your creativity. They can also stimulate parts of your brain that make you feel positive and happy. There's basically no limit to the types of things you can do. You can grab a camera and learn photography. You can learn how to play a musical instrument. You can practice a new language. Basically, you can take up any hobby, as long as you're interested in it. Just make sure that whatever you choose is something you enjoy doing, or it'll become a chore rather than a hobby.
Sarah: So, you're saying that I need to take up a hobby?
Jenny: Of course you do. You should also set goals and work towards them. Part of maturity is being able to assess your current strengths, determine areas that you need to improve, and set goals for the future. Keep the future in mind and let it inform the choices you are making about your life right. Once you have set goals that are clear, actionable, and measurable, take action to work towards them.
Sarah: Whoa...I don't think I'll be able to do that.
Jenny: Well, setting goals can seem overwhelming, but don't worry. It just takes a little time and planning. Start by figuring out what you want to improve. For example, maybe you want to start boosting your resume for college. You should set some goals and work towards them. First, you need to think about a few categories: Who, What, When, Where, How, and Why.
Sarah: How do those work?
Jenny: Allow me to explain. There would be a certain person, or a few certain people, who will be involved in achieving your goals. Obviously, you are the primary person here. However, this category could also include a tutor, a volunteer coordinator, or a counselor. It's important to be as specific as possible in what you want to achieve. "Prepare for college" is way too big. You'll never get started on a huge vague goal like that. Instead, choose a few specifics that will help you achieve that bigger goal, like "Do a volunteer activity" and "Participate in an extracurricular activity." You also need to know when specific parts of your plan have to be done. Knowing this will help keep you on track. For example, if you want to volunteer for a job, you need to know if there's a deadline to apply, when the activities are, and when you'll be able to do them. It's often helpful to identify where you'll be working on achieving your goals. For a volunteering example, you might choose to work at an animal shelter. Next, you'll need to learn how to identify how you'll achieve each stage of your goals. For example, what is the process for contacting the shelter to volunteer? How will you get to the animal shelter? How will you balance your volunteering with your other responsibilities? You have to think about answers to these types of questions. Finally, the most important part is, believe it or not, to figure out why your goals are important. You're more likely to achieve a goal when it's meaningful to you and you can see how it fits in the "big picture." Do you seem to get it now?
Sarah: Um, sort of. Setting goals seems pretty tough.
Jenny: Well, once you figure out how you should think about the categories that I described to you, it will be easy.
Sarah: Oh. Well, I guess I'll try.
Jenny: Here's another thing. Being mature isn't all about being serious.
Sarah: It's not?
Jenny: No, it's not. Part of being mature is knowing when it's okay to be humorous.
Sarah: Whew! Thank goodness. I thought that being mature was being serious all the time.
Jenny: Well, you do not have to be serious all of the time in order to be mature. Real maturity is knowing your audience and figuring out when it's appropriate to be silly and when it's important to be serious. It's good to have different levels of silly so you can scale your actions appropriately. Try setting aside a part of your day that's just for goofing off. You need time to blow off steam and get humorous. Give yourself a little time every day, like after school, to indulge in humor.
Sarah: That's what I always do!
Jenny: Of course, Sarah. But you cannot be silly all the time when you're maturing. But it's okay to add a little humor in your daily life from time to time.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: You also need to understand that silliness usually isn't appropriate in formal situations, such as school, at work, and especially at funerals. You're expected to be paying attention, not pranking people. Being silly in these situations will usually communicate immaturity. However, informal situations like hanging out with your friends, or even time with your family, can be a great time to be humorous. It can even help you bond with each other. Establish some parameters for when it is okay and when it is not okay to play a joke or be humorous. But whatever you do, don't use mean-spirited or belittling humor or pranks.
Sarah: So, what you're saying is that sometimes it's okay to have some humorous fun, and other times, it's not?
Jenny: Yes, Sarah. It's true.
Sarah: Oh. I guess I'll have to tone down my sense of humor whenever I need to focus on something more serious, like homework.
Jenny: That's right. Another part of being mature is being respectful of others. You seem to have a bit of trouble when it comes to being respectful.
Sarah: Do I? How so?
Jenny: Well, sometimes you respect others' opinions, and other times, you don't. You sometimes get mad when people decide to make choices that you don't like. Whenever you run into someone you don't seem to like, you treat them with cruelty and disrespect. None of those actions are being mature, or respectful, at all.
Sarah: They're not?
Jenny: No, they're not.
Sarah: Then, how can I be more respectful?
Jenny: Well, we all have to live in the world together. If you do things to intentionally annoy others, or if you do whatever you want without keeping the feelings of others in mind, people may view you as immature. Trying to remember the needs and wants of other people around you will help you cultivate a reputation as a mature and respectful individual.
Sarah: Ohhhh, I see!
Jenny: Being respectful of others doesn't mean you have to let them walk all over you. You need to listen to others and treat them the way you want to be treated. If the other person is rude or unkind to you, don't respond with unkindness of your own. Show that you're the bigger person by ignoring them and walking away.
Sarah: Really? If someone is being mean or rude to me, then I should just ignore them and walk away?
Jenny: Of course, Sarah. Ignoring the person who is being rude or cruel to you and walking away is a much better option than getting angry and yelling at them.
Sarah: Oh. So, it's not a good idea to be angry and yell at someone who's being mean to me?
Jenny: Of course it's not, Sarah. Getting angry and yelling is not a good idea at all. In fact, it could get you into some serious trouble if you get caught yelling at someone in public. That's why, if someone's being mean to you, you should stay calm, ignore them, and walk away.
Sarah: Uh...okay. I guess I'll try. Can you tell me how I should stay calm?
Jenny: Of course I will. But first, I should explain the last thing you should do to develop mature behaviors.
Sarah: What is that, may I ask?
Jenny: Well, you should pick some mature friends. Your friends will influence your behavior. But you have to make sure that you're associating with people who will make you a better person, instead of spending time with people who only drag you down.
Sarah: So, you're saying that I need some mature friends to be mature myself?
Jenny: Somewhat. What I'm saying is that you should stick with people who will make you a better person and become more mature.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: The next thing you need to know about being mature is developing emotional maturity.
Sarah: Emotional maturity? What's that?
Jenny: Well, you need to learn how to properly control your emotions like a real mature adult would.
Sarah: I see. But, how can I do that?
Jenny: Allow me to explain. First off, you should never be a bully. This is kind of a problem for you, because you sometimes tend to be a bully towards people you don't like.
Sarah: I know.
Jenny: Bullying is not a good thing to do, Sarah. Just because someone is a bully to you doesn't mean you should be a bully to them. Bullying behavior often emerges from a sense of insecurity or poor self-esteem. It can be a way for people to try and assert their power over others. Bullying is bad for people who are bullied and for those who do the bullying.
Sarah: But, since I tend to bully people who bully me, does that mean I have poor self-esteem?
Jenny: Well, it depends. But if you find yourself engaging in bullying behavior, talk to someone you trust, like a parent or school counselor, about how to stop. Bullying falls into four basic types: verbal, social, physical, and online. Verbal bullying involves things like name-calling, threatening others, or making inappropriate comments. While words don't cause physical harm, they can cause deep emotional wounds. Watch what you say, and don't say something to someone that you wouldn't want them to say to you. Social bullying involves doing damage to someone's social reputation or relationships. Shunning others, spreading rumors, humiliating others, or gossiping are all types of social bullying. Physical bullying involves hurting someone or someone's things. Any physical violence, as well as taking or destroying someone's stuff or making rude gestures, are forms of physical bullying.
Sarah: Wow...Bullying seems really bad.
Jenny: It is. You should never allow bullying to happen when you're around, either. While you don't have to get physically involved with a bully, which can be really unsafe, there are plenty of ways for you to help create a bully-free environment.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: Well, first of all, you should try setting a good example by not bullying others. You should tell bullies that their behavior isn't funny or cool. You should also be nice to victims of bullying and tell responsible adults about bullying. Sarah: I should?
Jenny: Yes, you should.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: Here's another thing. Since you tend to be a bully yourself at times, maybe you should consider talking with a counselor or therapist. Maybe you have some deeper issues that are making you feel like you need to belittle or pick on others who belittle or pick on you. A counselor can give you approaches to develop more positive relationships.
Sarah: Really? I need counseling to help me with my issues?
Jenny: Of course. Counseling actually helps a lot of people with issues that they can't seem to control. It might even work for you as well.
Sarah: But, what if I don't want to have a counselor help me?
Jenny: Well, then that's fine. But you should seek professional help if you can't control your issues on your own.
Sarah: Gee, you're right...I guess I should.
Jenny: You should also avoid gossip, rumors, and talking about others behind their backs. Gossip, rumor-mongering, and backstabbing can hurt other people just as much as if you'd punched them in the face - maybe even more. Even if you don't mean gossip maliciously, it can still do damage. Mature people care about others' needs and feelings and don't do things that could cause hurt.
Sarah: Gossiping about someone could hurt their feelings?
Jenny: Yes, it could. Gossip won't necessarily make you cool or popular, either. Studies have shown that gossip may make you seem cool when you're in fifth grade, but by ninth grade, when you're hopefully more mature, gossipers are generally seen as less likeable and less popular. And you're already in college, so I don't think it's okay for a college student to spread rumors about someone just to be popular.
Sarah: It's not?
Jenny: No, it's not. You should never encourage gossip, either. If someone tries to initiate gossip when you're around, speak up. Research shows that when even one person says "Hey, I'm not cool with gossiping about other people", it can really make a difference. Sometimes, you may say something nice about someone and it can end up translated by other people as gossip. For example, maybe you told a friend "I really like hanging out with that girl. She's so funny!" and someone else told someone else that you said something mean. You can't control how other people interpret or respond to what you say. The only thing you can control is what you say and do. Make sure that your words are kind. A good test to determine whether something is gossip or rumor is to ask yourself, "Would I want other people to hear or know this about me?" If the answer is no, don't share it with others.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: If someone is unkind to you, you should be the bigger person.
Sarah: Really? How?
Jenny: Well, if someone is rude to you, you shouldn't be rude to them. Just ignore them if they don't have anything good to say about you. If you can let it go, don't reply. Your silence will communicate that what the person said was not okay. If you can't let it go, simply tell the person that their comment was rude. If the person apologizes, accept the apology. If there's no apology, just walk away.
Sarah: That's it? I just have to keep my mouth shut and walk away?
Jenny: That's right, but only if they refuse to apologize to you.
Jenny: The next thing you should do is keep an open mind. Mature people are open-minded. Just because you have never heard of or tried something, doesn't mean you should shut it out or dismiss the possibility. Instead, look at it as an opportunity for you to learn about something or someone new and different.
Sarah: So, how can I do that?
Jenny: Well, first of all, if someone has a different belief or habit than you do, don't judge it immediately. Instead, ask open questions, such as "Could you tell me more about this?" or "Why do you do that?" You should also try to listen more than you talk, at least at first. Don't interrupt people or say "But I think---" Let them talk. You'll be surprised what you learn.
Sarah: So, you're saying that I can learn by having a conversation with someone?
Jenny: Yes, you can.
Sarah: Wow, I never knew that before.
Jenny: Before you can make any judgements, you should ask for clarification. If someone says or does something that doesn't seem right, ask for clarification before you make a snap judgement. For example, if you think someone just insulted your beliefs, take a deep breath and then say something like, "I heard you say _______. Is that what you meant?" If the other person says he or she didn't mean it that way, accept it.
Sarah: But what happens if the person didn't say they meant it?
Jenny: Well, you should never expect the worst from people. You should go into situations expecting that everyone else is human, just like you. They probably won't try to be mean or hurtful, but they may also make mistakes. Learning to accept people just as they are will help you be more mature.
Sarah: Oh, I see. But what if I can't agree with the person I talk to?
Jenny: Sometimes, you just won't agree with someone else, but that's okay. Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree - that's part of being mature.
Sarah: Hmm, I guess it makes sense now.
Jenny: You should also have confidence in yourself.
Sarah: But I have confidence in myself.
Jenny: I know that, but you don't have enough confidence.
Sarah: Then how can I have more confidence in myself?
Jenny: Well, first of all, you shouldn't apologize for any quirks or oddities that you may have, even if others don't approve. As long as your behaviors aren't antisocial and won't cause anyone harm, you should feel free to express your individuality. Mature people don't second-guess themselves or try to be something that they aren't.
Sarah: Oh. So, if I need to develop some confidence in my behaviors, do you think I need to be confident in my daily hobbies, too?
Jenny: Exactly. Developing hobbies and skills you're good at is a great way to build your self-confidence. You'll learn that you can accomplish whatever you set your mind to, and have a cool set of skills to share with others.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: You should also prevent negative thoughts. If you notice negative thoughts about yourself, think about whether you'd say them to a friend. If you wouldn't do it to a friend, why would you tear yourself down? Try rewording these negative thoughts into helpful ones. For example, you might think "I am such a loser! I suck at math and I'll never get any better." This isn't a helpful thought, and it definitely isn't something you'd tell a friend. Instead, reword it in terms of what you can do about it: "I'm not great at math, but I can work hard. Even if I don't make an A in the class, I'll know I did my best."
Sarah: You're right. I guess I should prevent my negative thoughts.
Jenny: You should also try to be genuine. A mark of true maturity is being true to who you are. You can have self-confidence without acting arrogant or pompous. A mature person doesn't have to tear others down or pretend to be something they're not to feel good about themselves.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes. It's true.
Sarah: Well...then how can I be genuine myself?
Jenny: Well, it's simple. First, you should talk about things that truly interest you (not counting your favorite shows, movies, video games, etc.). When you care about something, it shows. When you have negative thoughts about yourself, it can be tempting to go overboard denying them. For example, if the thought "I really am worried about this test next week" shows up, your first reaction might be to pretend "Nothing scares me!" This isn't true to yourself. It's more mature to admit when you're feeling insecure or vulnerable. Everyone has moments when they don't feel confident, but that's totally normal.
Sarah: It is?
Jenny: Yes, it is. You should also express your feelings clearly.
Sarah: Express my feelings clearly? How?
Jenny: Well, beating around the bush or being passive aggressive aren't mature or genuine ways to deal with your feelings. You should be polite and respectful, but don't be afraid to say how you really feel. You should always do what you think is right. Sometimes, other people may mock or criticize you for it. However, if you stick to your principles, you'll know you've been true to yourself. If people don't respect that, you don't want their good opinion anyway.
Sarah: So...I shouldn't let their opinions hurt my feelings?
Jenny: No, you shouldn't. Just ignore them, take some deep breaths, and tell yourself this: "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
Sarah: Huh? What's that supposed to mean?
Jenny: Well, it's a well-known mantra that helps people prevent themselves from getting hurt or offended when someone taunts them, bullies them, makes bad rumors about them, and criticize them.
Sarah: Does it really work?
Jenny: I believe it does. If you just keep telling yourself that criticism and being taunted will not hurt or offend you, you will learn to become more mature.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: The next thing you should do is learn to accept personal responsibility. Possibly the most important part of becoming a more mature person is accepting responsibility for your own words and actions. You should remember that things don't simply happen to you. You are an agent in your own life, and your words and actions have consequences both for yourself and others. You should own up when you make mistakes. You should recognize that you can't control what anyone else does, but you can control what you do.
Sarah: I can?
Jenny: Yes, you can.
Sarah: So, does that mean that I can't rely on people around me to make decisions for me?
Jenny: No. You have to start learning how to make your own decisions. You need to accept responsibility when things go wrong. For example, if you do badly on an essay, don't blame it on the teacher. Think about what actions you took to get you to that result, and ask yourself what you can do better next time.
Sarah: You're right...I can't blame myself for everything that I do.
Jenny: No, you shouldn't. You should focus less on whether something is fair. Things will not always be fair in life. Sometimes, you may deserve something that you don’t get. Mature people will not allow unfairness to stand in the way of their accomplishments. You just need to take control of what you can. Sometimes it can feel like you don't have any control over your life. Some of this is true. You can't control whether the manager of the restaurant gives you a job, or whether that person you like will agree to go out with you. But there are things you can control. For example, if you want to get a job, you can polish and proofread your resume. You can prepare for the interview as well as you can. You can dress professionally when you interview for the job. You can show up on time. You may still end up not getting the job, but you will have done everything within your control. For relationships, you can be respectful, funny, and kind. You can be yourself around the other person. You can be vulnerable and tell them that you'd like to have a relationship. These are things you are in control of. Even if things don't work out, you can rest easy knowing you stayed true to yourself and gave yourself the best shot.
Sarah: So, even if some things don't go as I hope they would, I need to remind myself that I can't control everything in my daily life. Am I right?
Jenny: Yes, Sarah. You're absolutely right. You should also never accept defeat. Most of the time, people give up because it's easier than trying again. It's much easier to say "I'm a loser" than it is to say "Well, that approach didn't work out, let's see what else I can do!". You can't tell yourself that you're a loser and then just give up. You need to just try something else if something doesn't work out. You need to accept responsibility for your choices and choose to keep on trying, no matter what.
Sarah: I should?
Jenny: Yes, you should.
Sarah: Gee, I guess I should keep on trying.
Jenny: The next thing you should do is learn to control your temper. You seem to get angry very easily, especially if it's something small or petty. Anger is a powerful emotion, but it can be tamed. You should never overreact to minor things that don't matter. When you feel yourself getting upset, stop and take 10 seconds to think about your response before you do or say anything. This will keep you from things you regret and will help you become a more mature communicator. After you stop, ask yourself what’s really going on. Ask yourself, "What's the real problem here? Why am I upset?" You may find out that you're really mad about something that happened in the past, like something that happened two days ago, and actually not about something that's slightly stressful, like having to clean your room.
Sarah: You mean, I can't get angry over small things?
Jenny: No, you shouldn't. That's not being very mature.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: Try to think of potential solutions to the problem. Run through a couple of ways you might react before you pick one. As yourself, "What will address what's going on?" Then you should consider the consequences. This is where a lot of people may stumble. Doing what you want is often the most attractive solution, but will it really fix the problem, or will it make it worse? Think about what the result of each option is likely to be. Then, pick a solution. After you've considered the possible consequences of each option, pick the one that seems best for you. Note that this won't always be the easiest or the most fun, but that's just part of becoming more mature. If you must say something, use a calm voice and give some reasonable arguments to justify how you're feeling. If the person just wants to argue and doesn't want to listen, walk away from the conflict. It's not worth it. When you're enraged or about to overreact, take deep breaths and count to 10. You must maintain self-control and not let wrath get the better of you.
Sarah: Do you think I should practice self-control?
Jenny: Of course you should. You need to learn how to control your emotions, like anger.
Sarah: Are you going to tell me more about that?
Jenny: Well, I'll tell you later. First, I need to tell you more about becoming more mature.
Sarah: Oh...okay.
Jenny: You should learn assertive communication techniques. When adults want to communicate maturely, they use assertive techniques and behaviors. Assertiveness isn't the same as cockiness, arrogance or aggression. Assertive individuals express their own feelings and needs clearly, and they listen when others do the same. Arrogant and selfish individuals don't care about others' needs and are focused on getting what they want, when they want it -- whether or not it makes others miserable. Learn to stand up for yourself without being arrogant or aggressive, and you’ll definitely feel more mature. Here are some ways to communicate assertively. Are you listening?
Sarah: Yes. How can I communicate assertively?
Jenny: Well, to start, you should use "I"-statements. "You"-statements make other people feel blamed and shuts them down. Keeping the focus on what you're feeling and experiencing keeps the way open for productive, mature communication. For example, instead of telling someone "You never listen to me!" try using an "I"-statement like "I feel like my perspective hasn't been heard." When you say you "feel" a certain way, the other person is more likely to want to know why.
Sarah: So, I need to use words like "I feel..." to express my negative feelings with others?
Jenny: That's right.
Sarah: I never thought of that before.
Jenny: Not only you should focus on your needs, but you need to recognize others' needs, too. Life isn't all about you. It's good to communicate your feelings and needs clearly, but remember to also ask others about theirs. Being able to put others first is a true sign of maturity.
Sarah: So I shouldn't just focus on myself and no one else?
Jenny: No, you shouldn't. You need to also focus on other people around you.
Sarah: Oh. I guess life isn't all about me.
Jenny: No, it's not. Another thing is that you should never jump to conclusions. If you aren't sure what happened with someone, don't be afraid to ask. You should never treat anyone with prejudice, because you don't have all the information about them. For example, if your friend forgot that you were supposed to go shopping together, don't assume that it's because she doesn't care or is a terrible person. Instead, use an "I"-statement and follow it up with an invitation for her to express her feelings: "I felt really disappointed when you couldn't make it shopping. I'm glad that you came."
Sarah: You're right...I guess I shouldn't jump to conclusions, even if it's about my family or friends.
Jenny: That's right. You should also offer to collaborate with others. For example, instead of saying "I want to go to the movies," ask others for input, such as "What would everyone like to do?"
Sarah: You mean, I can't get everyone to do what I want to do?
Jenny: Of course not. In a group, you should always collaborate with others and ask them what they want to do, and they'll give you some ideas. Then you can all try to decide on what you want to do.
Sarah: Oh. I see.
Jenny: Here's another thing. I know you do this quite often, but one part of being mature is avoiding constant swearing.
Sarah: Hey, I avoid swearing all the time!
Jenny: Of course you do, Sarah. Many people and cultures have expectations that mature communicators won't curse or swear. Swearing can shock others, or even make them feel as though you're disrespecting them. Swearing can also cause others to think that you're incompetent or bad at communicating. You think that swearing is shocking and offensive, don't you?
Sarah: Yeah, of course I do.
Jenny: Well, even though you don't swear, since you don't like it and avoid profane language and swear words at all costs, you still need to expand your vocabulary.
Sarah: Uh, what does that have to do with swearing?
Jenny: Expanding your vocabulary can help you learn to express yourself better. Learning new words can help you show how you feel a little better.
Looking up some new words in a dictionary is a good way to expand your vocabulary.
Sarah: It can?
Jenny: Of course it can.
Sarah: Oh. I never knew that before.
Jenny: You should also speak politely and refrain from raising your voice. If you raise your voice, especially when you are angry, you're likely to make people uncomfortable. They may even decide to tune you out. Yelling and being impolite is not something that adults do.
Sarah: It's not?
Jenny: No, it's not. It's only something that toddlers do. You're not a toddler, are you?
Sarah: No. I'm 21 years old.
Jenny: That's right. 21-year-olds don't raise their voice when they get angry. Instead, they speak politely and in a calm, quiet tone of voice. You should use an even, calm tone of voice, even when you're upset.
Sarah: I should?
Jenny: Yes, you should.
Sarah: But...what if just using my words in a calm, polite manner just isn't enough?
Jenny: Well, you should also watch your body language. Your body can say as much as your words. For example, crossing your arms in front of you can tell others that you're not interested in what they're saying. Standing slouched over communicates that you're not really "there" or you want to be somewhere else. You need to learn what your body is communicating, and make sure it's what you want.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: A few examples of proper body language are holding your arms relaxed at your sides instead of crossing them in front of you, standing up straight with your chest out and head parallel to the floor, and watching your facial expressions. Remember that your face communicates, too. Don't roll your eyes or stare at the floor.
Sarah: So, I need to use proper body language and facial expressions when communicating with others?
Jenny: Of course, Sarah.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: Another thing is that you should talk about mature topics with other people.
Sarah: Mature topics? What kind?
Jenny: Well, a few examples of mature topics include school, the news, life experiences, and life lessons you have learned. Of course, you can take some time for being goofy with your friends. It's all about considering your audience. You probably won't talk about the same topics with your best friend as you do with your math teacher.
Sarah: You're right...I probably shouldn't.
Jenny: Another thing you should do is questions. One of the signs of maturity is intellectual curiosity. If all you ever do is talk at someone, you won't seem very mature. Ask others for their input. If someone says something interesting, say something like "Tell me more about that!"
Sarah: Okay...What else should I do when I talk to others?
Jenny: Well, you should never pretend to know something you don't. It can be hard to admit you don't know something. After all, you really want to appear mature and informed. But pretending to know something only to have it come out that you don't could make you look (and feel) foolish. It's much better to say something like, "I haven't read much about that. I'll have to look into it!"
Sarah: Gee, I guess I agree with you. I shouldn't pretend to know something I don't.
Jenny: That's right. If you don't know about something, try to look into it to see if you like it or not. The next step to communicating like an adult is by saying something nice.
Sarah: But, what if I don't have anything nice to say?
Jenny: Well, if you can't say something positive, don't say anything at all. Immature people constantly criticize things and point out flaws about other people, and they don't hesitate to say hurtful insults by all matters. Sometimes, they justify cruelty by stating that they're just "being honest." Mature people choose their words carefully, and they don't hurt people's feelings in their quest to be "honest," so just remember to watch what you say, and don't say things that hurt other's feelings. Always treat people the way that you want to be treated. Have you ever heard the phrase "Do unto others the way you want others to do unto you"?
Sarah: Um, I don't know. What does it mean?
Jenny: Basically, it means "treat others the way you want to be treated". We always need to treat other people around us with respect, especially with words.
Sarah: We do?
Jenny: Yes, we do. And you should treat others with respect, too, both with actions and words.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: You should also learn to apologize sincerely for your mistakes. No matter how conscientious you are, you're going to say the wrong thing or inadvertently hurt people from time to time. We all do stupid things once in a while, because nobody on earth is perfect. Learn to swallow your pride and say, "I'm sorry." A genuine, honest apology when you've done something wrong demonstrates true maturity.
Sarah: Really? Telling someone that I'm sorry for doing something bad is an act of maturity?
Jenny: Yes it is, Sarah. Apologizing for your mistakes is one way to show that you can communicate like a proper adult.
Sarah: Wow, I never knew that before.
Jenny: You should also learn to tell the truth, but be compassionate.
Sarah: Uh...That kinda sounds tricky.
Jenny: Indeed it does. It is a really difficult skill to master, but thinking about whether you would want someone to say something to you can help you figure out what to say. In Buddhism, there's a saying that goes "If you propose to speak, always ask yourself: is it true, is it necessary, is it kind." Consider that before speaking. Those around you will appreciate your honesty, and your compassion will show that you truly care about others. For example, if a friend asks you if her dress makes her look fat, consider what would be most helpful. Beauty is very subjective, so offering an opinion on her looks isn't likely to be helpful. However, telling your friend that you love her and she looks just the way she is could be the confidence boost she needs. If you really think your friend's outfit is not attractive, there are tactful ways to say this if you think it will be helpful. For example, saying things like "You know, I like the red dress better than this one" doesn't judge your friend's body - nobody needs that - but it does answer her question of whether she looks her best.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Behavioral scientists suggest that some types of dishonesty are actually "pro-social," little lies you tell to help others avoid embarrassment or hurt. It's up to you to decide whether this is something you want to do. Whatever you decide, choose to be kind in doing it.
Sarah: Okay.
Jenny: The next step to becoming mature is by being courteous.
Sarah: Courteous?
Jenny: That means you should have or show good manners and be polite.
Sarah: Oh. How do you think I should become more polite?
Jenny: Well, to start, you should always use good manners when you interact with people. For example, when you greet someone, you should shake hands with a solid, firm grip, and look right into that person's eyes. When you meet someone new, make a good effort to remember the person's name by repeating it, such as "Nice to meet you, Wendy." Good manners communicate that you respect the other person, which is the behavior of a mature person.
Shaking hands and saying "nice to meet you" is a very polite and mature way to greet people.
Sarah: I see. But, how should I show good manners when I have conversations with people?
Jenny: Allow me to explain. When you have conversations with others, it's important to be a good listener and make proper eye contact. Throughout any conversation, you need to listen carefully and maintain eye contact. Don't stare at the other person, though. Use the 50/70 rule: make eye contact for 50% of the time when you're talking, and 70% of the time while the other person is talking. You also need to avoid fidgeting or fiddling with random objects. Fidgeting is a sign that you lack confidence. Remember to keep your hands open and relaxed. You shouldn't just sit there thinking about places you'd rather be. Most people are very good at noticing when you don't care about an interaction, and it will hurt their feelings. You should never talk on your cell phone or text people while you should be paying attention to the person in front of you, because this communicates disrespect. When you enter a new situation or new community, keep quiet for a while and notice how other people are acting. It's not your job to tell other people what they should or shouldn't do. Instead, watch and be respectful. Does that all make sense?
The mature way to have a good conversation with someone is to make eye contact, stay perfectly still, keep your hands to yourself, and listen carefully to what the person you're talking to is saying
Sarah: Uh, yeah, I think so.
Jenny: Not only you should use proper etiquette in general, but you should also use it online.
Sarah: Really? I need to show proper manners in person and online?
Jenny: That's right.
Sarah: Can you tell me how that works?
Jenny: Well, digital etiquette is a set of rules on how to behave online. Using good online etiquette shows that you respect your friends, family and other people that are hanging out with you online. It’s a sign of maturity. Keep in mind that a lot of what you say online can also be seen by people like potential employers, teachers, and others, so don't say things that would embarrass or hurt you.
Sarah: Uh...okay.
Jenny: You should always avoid strong or offensive language. Don't overuse exclamation points. Remember that you aren't there in person to clarify your point, so make sure not to overwhelm your audience.
Sarah: I get it. You're always telling me that I shouldn't end all of my sentences with exclamation points when I type, aren't you?
Jenny: Of course I am, Sarah. You only use exclamation points to express excitement about something or to tell something with strong emotion or emphasis.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: The next step to using proper online etiquette is to properly use your shift key. Remember to capitalize proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences instead of writing in all lower-case letters. You should always avoid using nonstandard capitalization, because it makes your writing much harder to read.
Sarah: Er, I seem to have a little bit of trouble with that. Sometimes I can't tell which words I should capitalize or leave lowercase.
Jenny: Well, that's what I'm going to help you with. I'll show you how to properly capitalize beginnings of sentences and choose which words to leave lowercase.
Sarah: Oh...okay.
Jenny: Whatever you do, you should always avoid using typing in all capital letters. Writing in all caps is the internet equivalent of shouting. It's not a good idea to write like that in daily emails, wiki pages, and social media posts.
Sarah: Not even when I'm really upset about something?
Jenny: No. Not even when you're upset about something.
Sarah: You mean, whenever I get angry about something I see online, I have to express it by writing in lowercase letters instead of capital ones?
Jenny: That's right. You need to learn how to manage your anger properly, even on the Internet.
Sarah: Oh. I see.
Jenny: When sending an email, you should always use a salutation, such as "Dear" or "To". Starting an email without one is rude, particularly if it's to someone you don't know well or to someone like a teacher. You should also use a closing when finishing your email, such as "Thank you" or "Sincerely." You should also proofread before you send an e-mail, edit a wiki page, or make a social media post to make sure you didn't make a mistake. Use complete sentences, and be sure to add proper punctuation at the end of each sentence. Make sure to go easy on abbreviations, slang, and emoticons. It's okay to use these in a casual text to a friend, but don't use them in an e-mail to your teacher, or in another situation where you want to look mature.
Sarah: Wow...That's sure a lot for online etiquette.
Jenny: Most importantly, you should always remember the golden rule online, just like the golden rule in real life.
Sarah: What's the "golden rule"?
Jenny: The golden rule is "Do unto others the way you want others to do unto you." That means "treat others the way you want to be treated". If you want someone to be nice to you, you should be nice to them too. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.
Sarah: Even on the Internet?
Jenny: Yes, Sarah. Even on the Internet.
Sarah: Wow, online etiquette seems a lot like real life etiquette.
Jenny: Indeed it is.
Sarah: Are there other ways I can be courteous?
Jenny: Yes, there are. I shall explain them to you right now. Are you listening?
Sarah: I'm listening. Go right ahead.
Jenny: You should always be helpful to others. Hold doors, help pick things up, and offer assistance to anyone who needs it. Consider being helpful in your community as well, like being a mentor to a younger student, tutoring, or working at an animal shelter. When you make others happy, you're more likely to feel happy yourself. Serving others rather than just yourself is a very mature behavior. Helpful acts may also boost your self-esteem. Studies have shown that when we help others, we get a sense of accomplishment and pride in what we've done.
Sarah: Does that mean I have to be helpful for myself and other people all the time?
Jenny: Well, not really. You have to keep in mind that being helpful isn't always a two-way street. There may be times when you help others and they don't say "thank you" or offer to help in return. That's on them. Remember that you're being helpful for yourself, not to get anything from anyone else.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: You should avoid trying to be the center of attention all the time.
Sarah: But I sometimes try to be the center of attention in a few of my works. Is that bad?
Jenny: I wouldn't quite say it's bad, but trying to be the center of attention all the time isn't very mature. When you constantly take over conversations and talk about yourself all of the time instead of giving other people a chance to talk, it shows disrespect and immaturity. Showing a genuine interest in the interests and experiences of others can make you seem more mature and less self-centered. You might also learn something new or develop a new respect for someone based on what you hear.
Sarah: So, you mean that I should let others have a chance to have a little attention, too?
Jenny: That's right. Everyone needs some time for themselves. Everything can't just be all about you.
Sarah: Not even the projects I create?
Jenny: Nope. Not even the projects that you create.
Sarah: I guess you're right...Being the center of attention all the time is kinda immature.
Jenny: Of course it is. That's why you should show more interests in what other people like and experience.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: The final step to being courteous is learning to accept both compliments and criticism with maturity.
Sarah: I need to accept both compliments and criticism?
Jenny: Yes, you do. That's part of being mature.
Sarah: How am I supposed to do that?
Jenny: Well, if somebody compliments you, say "thank you" and leave it at that. If someone criticizes you, be polite and say something "Okay, I'll definitely think it over." Maybe the criticism isn't valid, but handling it politely makes you look mature in the moment.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: You should try not to take criticism personally. Sometimes, people may be trying to help and aren't communicating well. If you think that's the case, ask for clarification: "I heard you say that you didn't like my essay. Could you tell me some more specifics so I can do better next time?" Sometimes, the criticism says much more about the person giving it than it does about you. If the criticism seems unfair or hurtful, remember that the other person may just be trying to make him or herself feel better by tearing you down. Don't let it get to you. But accepting criticism gracefully doesn't actually mean you can't stand up for yourself. If someone hurts your feelings, tell them in a calm and polite way, such as "I'm sure you didn't mean it this way, but when you criticized my outfit it really hurt my feelings. Next time, could you not make comments about my appearance?"
Sarah: You mean, I have to stand up for myself by telling other people that criticizing me is not nice in a calm, polite tone of voice?
Jenny: That's right. Even though criticism can hurt your feelings, you need to express it in a mature way.
Sarah: Gee...I guess I should.
Jenny: The next step to becoming more mature is to be less whiny.
Sarah: Am I a little whiny?
Jenny: Sometimes. But since you're an adult, you should start learning how to whine less.
Sarah: How am I gonna do that?
Jenny: Every person needs to whine or complain sometimes. But if you find yourself constantly being whiny, you may realize that you’re losing friends and even the confidence of teachers or employers. Being whiny can annoy others and even make your overall mood negative. But by complaining less, avoiding whiny tactics, and welcoming positivity, you can be less whiny.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: Well, allow me to explain. First, you should watch your voice inflections. In many cases, what others perceive as whining is just how you're speaking to get the person's attention. Actively listening to yourself in situations that might cause you to whine can keep you from doing so. In addition, it might help you get what you want. Try and use sentences instead of simple words, which may naturally help you keep your voice inflections within a normal range. Instead of saying, "Pleeease," you can say, "Would you please do this for me? It would be a huge help." This can prevent the person to whom you are talking from shutting down completely and get him or her to listen to you. If you end up in a situation where you don't think you can control your voice, don't be afraid to remove yourself from it, and then come back to your statement once you've had a chance to calm down.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Not only you should be aware of the tone of your voice, but you should also be aware of your eyes and face, too. Just like your voice, your face and eyes are mirrors of your feelings and emotions. Consider your expressions when you're making a statement that would otherwise be whining. Trying to be genuine in your voice inflections can also change the expressions in your face and eyes. Try giving a small smile when you're talking so that your words, face, and eyes follow suit. For example, if you are in a relationship with someone, and the man you love is going away, say, "I love you so much and love spending time together. It would be nice if you could give me a bit more notice when you're traveling so I can prepare myself to be alone for a few days." Visualize yourself saying this in a non-whiny tone with a neutral face. If you need to, look elsewhere so that the person to whom you are speaking doesn't think you're pointing daggers out of your eyes.
Sarah: But, I can't really see my eyes and face except when I look in a mirror.
Jenny: Well, you can practice being aware of your face by looking in a mirror. It'll be much easier that way.
Sarah: Oh...okay.
Jenny: Next, you should steer clear of wearing people down with your whining. Like a few children, there are many adults who will whine continuously to wear down another person. In many cases, this is a very effective tactic because the person doesn't want to listen to you whine any longer. If you need to make a whiny comment, say it once and then move on. Not doing so may result in you angering the other person and hurting your reputation. You should make your request or statement only once. Any more and you're indulging in the behavior of a child — and you're not a child, nor do you want others to think you are. Part of being an adult is accepting that you can't always have things exactly your way. For example, say, "Can you please take me off the project? I can't handle working with that annoying partner," or "I just don't want to work with my partner on this." Accept whatever comes after your statement and move on to whatever you need to do. Consider finding something to distract yourself if you feel the need to harangue someone with whining to get your way.
Sarah: Does that work?
Jenny: Well, it does for some people. The next thing you should do is stop guilt tripping people. Another common tactic whiners use to get their way is the guilt trip—done in a whiny voice. Guilt is another form of aggression, which is something you want to avoid with people. If you commonly guilt-trip people into getting your way, take a step back before making statements that may make another person feel guilty. This can ultimately stop you from using whiny guilt trips to get your way. Use open communication with a person instead of a guilt trip. Keep in mind that this is more constructive and can save your relationship with the person instead of ultimately upsetting him or her. For example, say, "I appreciate the assignment and am excited to participate in the project. But I am concerned that the poor working relationship my partner and I have may have an affect on the overall project. Can you suggest a way to get around this?" This statement sounds much better than, "Ugh, can you take me off of this project? I won't be able to concentrate or function if I have to work with a partner."
Sarah: Gee...I guess it does.
Jenny: One of the most important things is that you should always win people over honey, not vinegar.
Sarah: Huh? What's that supposed to mean?
Jenny: Well, there's an old saying that goes "You win a lot more bees with honey than vinegar." That means that kindness breeds kindness just as much as being whiny or nasty breeds nastiness. Remembering these simple facts can help you keep your interactions as positive and kind as possible. This may keep you from whining to those you love or with whom you work and create a more positive environment for everyone.
Sarah: Oh. I get it.
Jenny: The next step to being less whiny is to welcome positivity more often.
Sarah: How do I do that?
Jenny: First, you should identify things that cause you to whine. You may find that you consistently whine about the same things. Friends, colleagues, lack of finances, and many other things may irritate or annoy you, causing you to complain. Recognizing sources of negativity can help start making positive change. The best way to do that is to write a list of things that cause you to whine. You could even ask a trusted friend or family member if they notice that you complain about something a lot. Go over your list and figure out things you can change. For example, you can reframe or eliminate relationships that make you whine a lot. Ask yourself, "What is it about my business partner that causes me to moan and complain so often? If I limit my exposure to him, will it help me complain less?"
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: You should also stop focusing on the negative and start focusing on the positive. Whining and complaining can be draining. Being happy and positive is often invigorating. Finding the positive in anything can help you whine less. Remember that even in the most whine-inducing situation, there is likely something positive. For example, maybe your colleague opted to teach the same course so you got stuck with a large class. Instead of complaining about what a lazy loser the person is, say to yourself, "Other colleagues realize that my partner is not carrying his weight in courses. Thankfully, they realize I'm putting forth a huge effort."
Sarah: Okay. Uh, what else should I do?
Jenny: Well, you should always keep your expectations realistic. There are many things that may cause you to complain from sticking to your goals to how you interact with others. It's important to remember to keep your expectations realistic, such as what you can easily do in a typical workday. This can also reduces stress that may cause you to be more whiny. See if your expectations are realistic by looking at the plan you’ve developed. For example, depending on how much money you make, you may not be able to save $100 every month. But you may be able to save $50 every month, which is still saving. Remember to give yourself a little wiggle room. Accepting that you and others are not perfect can help you complain less and attain your goals.
Sarah: Hmm, I guess you're right. My expectations should be realistic.
Jenny: The most important thing about becoming less whiny is to keep moving forward. You'll occasionally need to whine or vent, but is completely normal and acceptable. Just acknowledge the problem, vent, and then let it go. This can keep you positive and help you not dwell on something that may make you complain too often.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Lastly, you should try to volunteer with the less fortunate. Reminding yourself that many others are less fortunate can do wonders for you. It can put things that make you whine into broader perspective and realize that your concerns are not as significant as others'. It may also keep you from dwelling on things that make you whine. Offer to volunteer at a health facility or organization that helps the less fortunate. Recognizing that you really don't have anything about which to complain can help you focus on the positive. Even giving your support to friends and family members who are struggling can help you whine less.
Sarah: Will that really help?
Jenny: It does for most people, Sarah. Maybe you should try it as well.
Sarah: Oh. Maybe I should.
Jenny: While you should handle everyday problems in a mature way, you should also show some maturity when you get in trouble.
Sarah: Really? How can I handle getting in trouble in a mature way?
Jenny: Well, being in trouble usually means managing feelings of guilt about wrongdoing and anger or anxiety about the consequences. These feelings are normal, but it's important not to let them consume you. If you find yourself in trouble, take the opportunity to improve yourself. You should develop healthy new habits to help you cope with negative feelings and prevent you from getting in future trouble. Are you listening?
Sarah: I am.
Jenny: Good. The first step to deal with being in trouble is to make amends.
Sarah: How do I do that?
Jenny: Well, first, you should admit your wrongdoing. Even if you don't feel what you did was completely wrong, surely there are aspects of the situation you could have handled better. You should acknowledge ways to respond more effectively in similar situations in the future. This will help you make better choices in the future and make your parents and other parties involved feel better. Total denial is usually not received well by parents and other authority figures once punishment has already been assigned, so you should avoid denial.
Sarah: So I should always admit that I did something wrong?
Jenny: Yes, you should. The next thing you should do is apologize to those you've wronged. Showing remorse to those you've hurt will go a long way to mend damaged relationships. It will be much easier for others to forgive you, if you express remorse. Your apology should describe what you did wrong and how it hurt the person you are apologizing to. Your apologies must be sincere. If someone is hurt by something you did, an insincere apology will only further strain your relationship. You might have a hard time organizing your thoughts in an emotional apology, so it's a good idea to write it out. Having a written apology may also show you put a lot of thought into it, conveying your sincerity. If you really don't feel you can apologize in person, try writing it in a card.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: After you apologize, you should work to repair damage or repay debts. Trouble sometimes involves damage to or loss of property. You should help repair or replace those items. If you don't have the money saved, consider finding a part time, after school job. If you are not able to get a job, ask your family and neighbors if you can do odd jobs to earn some money. You can also do the actual labor to repair damage in some cases. Doing this will show you are responsible and might even get you out of trouble a little sooner.
Sarah: It will?
Jenny: Yes, it will. As you make amends, you should communicate effectively with others. Poor communications often contributes to conflict, and may have played a role in your trouble. Learning to communicate whole messages clearly will reduce misunderstandings and future conflict. Whole messages can be communicated with a simple formula: statement of fact (usually a description of an act) + your interpretation of what that fact means + how your interpretation makes you feel + how you would like the issue to be resolved. For example, "When you take my things without permission, I think you don't respect me or my belongings, which makes me feel angry. I will feel more comfortable with you borrowing my things, if we discuss it before you take them."
Sarah: That sounds kind of complicated.
Jenny: Well, it's actually fairly easy, and you might get the hang of it if you just practice. The next thing you should do is develop healthy habits.
Sarah: How do I do that?
Jenny: Well, to start, you should focus on your physical and mental health. Being in trouble usually means you have less opportunity to socialize. While this may seem like a terrible thing, it actually creates an opportunity for you to focus on developing a healthy lifestyle. Social activities often include unhealthy food and drinks, which isn't good for you if you binge on junk food too much. It's easier to adopt a healthy diet and refrain from binging on junk food without peer pressure. Developing a healthy lifestyle may also help you stay out of trouble in the future.
Sarah: It does?
Jenny: Yes, it does. Exercising daily helps, too. You should consider creating a workout regimen. Exercise is a great way to relieve stress and distract yourself from your troubles. Workouts will allow you to set and achieve short-term goals to feel like you are using your time productively. If your lifestyle was previously very sedentary, you should design workouts to get progressively more difficult over time. Starting out easy and building up to more vigorous exercise will help prevent injury. Physical activity can also help you manage feelings of depression and anxiety. Exercise releases endorphins, natural mood-boosting chemicals produced by your brain. Exercise can also help you release anger in a helpful way, which can be helpful if you're feeling upset about being in trouble.
Sarah: Wow. I didn't know exercise could help me when I'm in a bad mood.
Jenny: It certainly can. Another thing that can help is catching up on schoolwork or projects around the house. Trying to balance friends, family, school, and work is difficult, and it's usually homework and housework that gets put off. These small tasks then pile up and become overwhelming. If you're in trouble, it's a pretty good sign you should immerse yourself in your studies and get organized. This will distract you from your problems and help you stay out of future trouble. Try creating a study schedule to keep you on track even after you are no longer in trouble. Use a calendar to block out time to study specific subjects each week. You can also schedule specific household chores. Tackling projects one at a time will actually help you finish them all in a more timely manner.
Sarah: Does that really help reduce stress?
Jenny: It does. The next thing you should do is learn to show yourself compassion. Sometimes, you end up in trouble because you don't feel good about yourself. You may give in to peer pressure or act out in order to "prove" yourself. You may feel attacked and become angry if people don't behave toward you the way you think they should. If you have a hard time accepting painful feelings, you're more likely to end up in trouble when you respond to them. Showing yourself compassion can help you feel better about who you are, the mistakes you make, and your capacity for growth. For example, imagine that you're in trouble because you dented your parents' car due to careless driving. You could choose to beat yourself up about it and think "I'm such a loser." This is unhelpful because it doesn't focus on what you can learn from the experience. It also unfairly generalizes about you based on one specific event. Instead, you could acknowledge that you made a mistake, accept that making mistakes is part of being human, and focus on what you can do to avoid a similar situation next time: "When I earn back the privilege of using the car, I will look more carefully when I'm in parking lots and won't drive so fast." Remind yourself that painful experiences and thoughts are part of living, and everyone experiences them. Understanding that you share common humanity with others can help you be more compassionate towards everyone, including yourself. It can also help you distance yourself from them, because suddenly you're not the only person in the world this has ever happened to.
Sarah: Does it really help?
Jenny: Of course. Next, you should develop your sense of self-worth. Instead of getting your validation from others, like your peers, look inward. Self-worth is highest when you feel like you're living in accordance with your personal values, or the core beliefs that determine how you view yourself, your life, and your world. For example, recognize that you don't have to follow the crowd to be "cool." Cool is whatever you define it to be. Perhaps for you, being "cool" means expressing yourself artistically, or getting involved in a team sport. It can help to spend a little time thinking about your values. For example, what feels most important to you? If you could change one thing about your community, what would it be? What traits or characteristics do you really admire in others? Remember that your values are yours, and thus, your self-worth isn't dependent on what others value. Values aren't superior or inferior; they're just different.
Sarah: So, not everyone has the same values as I do?
Jenny: No. Everyone has different values, because everyone is different in their own way.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: You should also stop giving yourself guilt messages. You have to watch out for generalizing statements, such as "I'm a loser" or "I can't do anything right." These are unfair generalizations about you, and only pay attention to one thing that you see as wrong, rather than viewing yourself as a whole person. They're often a sign of all-or-nothing thinking, too. Instead of making generalizations, focus on the single event or experience that's prompted that feeling. In this case, it's probably whatever you did to get yourself in trouble. Acknowledge that mistake, but don't allow it to define you. Instead, focus on your future. For example, you could say "I made a bad decision today. I regret the choices that I made. But I can learn from them to help me avoid giving in to peer pressure in the future. I will follow my own values." You should watch for all-or-nothing thinking, too. This can be extremely demotivating, especially if you're having trouble with schoolwork. For example, you might do poorly on a quiz and think, "Well, I'm just going to fail this class, that's all there is to it." Instead, recognize that this is a single event in a larger experience. There are quite a few things you can do to help you improve your performance. You can get tutoring, ask your parents for help with homework, talk to your teacher, and watch some YouTube videos explaining the concept. Focus on solutions, rather than allowing the problem to paralyze you.
Sarah: Will that work?
Jenny: Yes, it will. You should also get involved in bettering your community and help others. Volunteer at local organizations to shift attention from yourself to others. This is a productive way to connect with others and keep your mind off your troubles. Focusing on the hardships of others will also help develop empathy and increase your self-esteem, reducing the likelihood of getting in trouble again. You can find lots of volunteering opportunities online.
Sarah: I can?
Jenny: Yes, you can. After you've developed some healthy habits, you should consider finding new hobbies.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: Well, you can discover the joy of reading. Your parents aren't likely to ground you from reading, so this may be a way of doing something pleasurable while on restriction. If you weren't fond of reading in the past, it may be that you just haven't found what you like to read yet. You should be able to find lots of different styles of books on a wide range of topics at your school library. If standard novels just aren't for you, consider reading some graphic novels, which are basically standard novels in comic book form. You may not want to start out with heavy reading because it can be overwhelming. Go for shorter, easier reads until you figure out your reading preferences. You can also find resources online to help choose the best books for you.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: You can also express yourself through art. Creating art will help pass the time, relieve stress, improve mood, and help you feel productive. Art can take many forms, so you might consider researching various mediums online to find the one that appeals to you most. Art can be done alone and often requires few supplies, so you can usually do it without violating the terms of your punishment.
Sarah: Really? I never knew that before.
Jenny: If your parents are cooking something in the kitchen, help out with the cooking. Cooking is a great way to express yourself creatively that is parentally acceptable. Your parents will probably appreciate the help with dinner. Try creating your own recipes or adding a twist to your family's favorite meal.
Sarah: Okay.
Jenny: You can also spend some time in the garden. Gardening is another hobby that promotes both physical and mental health. Your parents will also likely appreciate the help, earning you goodwill. If you find you enjoy working in the garden, you might consider trying to grow some of your own fruits and vegetables. This will reap financial and health benefits in addition to contributing to the aesthetics of your home.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: The last hobby you can try is learning a new language. Take advantage of your extra free time to develop language skills, which improves brain health. This is the perfect way to learn more about a culture or region you've always been interested in. You can find lots of books and online resources devoted to language learning. This may even become beneficial in future career development. Bilingual job applicants are often more desirable to employers and command higher starting salaries.
Jenny: So, do you understand everything I told you about being mature and handling situations maturely?
Sarah: I...I guess so.
Jenny: You do? Good. You should follow every single detail I gave you and follow them all the way through.
Sarah: Okay. I guess I'll try.
Jenny: Another reason why you're not acting like an adult is that you have a very hard time controlling your emotions.
Sarah: Do I have a hard time controlling my emotions?
Jenny: Yes, you do.
Sarah: But, what emotions do I have a hard time controlling?
Jenny: Well, you seem to be having a few difficulties with your anger and sadness.
Sarah: Anger and sadness?
Jenny: Yes. But mostly, your anger is the most difficult emotion to control.
Sarah: How do you know that I have a hard time controlling my anger?
Jenny: Well, whenever you get angry, you tend to become prone to huge, raging fits. You yell, threaten people, and throw huge tantrums. I know this because you write in all capital letters, implying that you might be very upset about something, even if it's something very small. In fact, I've seen you get really angry over something small at times, like when someone gives an opinion that you disagree on, or when someone pulls a harmless joke that you think is offensive or mean. Yelling and throwing a fit is not a good way to express your anger.
Sarah: I know. But, I just can't help it when I'm angry.
Jenny: Of course you can help it. It can sometimes be difficult to control anger, which can cause problems in school, at home, and with your friends. However, there are lots of ways that you can calm down and stop your anger from getting out of hand. There are many ways you can prevent yourself from throwing full-on tantrums and calm yourself down when you're angry.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: Well, I'll give you a little advice on how you should calm down when you're angry.
Sarah: Oh...okay.
Jenny: First, you should notice when you start to feel angry. Your body starts to give hints that you are becoming angry before you even realize it. If you recognize your body's warning signs, you can calm yourself down before you do or say something you regret. You might feel yourself breathing faster than usual, or maybe your face is red and feels hot. Your hands might be clenched in fists, or you might find that you are tensing up your jaw. Try to name the feeling you are experiencing and attribute it to something that happened as well. For example, you can try saying to yourself, "Okay, I'm mad because nobody will go with my ideas. This is an uncomfortable feeling, but it will pass, then I can talk to someone about how I feel."
Sarah: How will that calm me down?
Jenny: Well, if you notice your body's warning signs, you might realize that you're starting to get angry. That way, you might notice that you're going to throw a fit and will be able to stop yourself from doing so.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: The next thing you should do is take deep breaths. This is the best way to calm down when you feel angry, anxious, or upset. Take deep breaths and think about something else. As you feel your body warning you that you are becoming angry, try to calm yourself down right away. The more your body becomes agitated, the more difficult it will be to calm down. Breathe in through your nose as deeply. Then, breathe out through your mouth. Repeat this a couple of times as you count down from ten.
Sarah: That...seems pretty easy. And I guess it is kind of calming, too. Maybe I should try that the next time I feel stressed or angry.
Jenny: Another way to calm down is by using visualization.
Sarah: Visualization? What's that?
Jenny: It's a technique used to conjure up vivid images in your mind.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: Anyway, using visualization can help you to gain insight about yourself and it may help you to calm down as well. You can use a guided visualization CD or do a simple guided visualization on your own. The next time you are feeling angry, try sitting in a quiet, comfortable place and closing your eyes. You can also play some relaxing music to help you stay focused. Keep your eyes closed and then begin to visualize a serene place, such as a quiet lake in a forest, a sandy beach, or a mountaintop. Focus on the sights, sounds, smells, and feeling of this place. Continue doing this for around 10 to 15 minutes.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: If you feel like you need to relax your shaky hands, it might be best to use a stress ball. Stress balls can help you calm your anger down. Keep the ball with you when you know you're likely to get upset, like at school or at home, and squeeze it when you feel yourself start to become angry. You can pretend that the ball is the situation that is making you angry. Squeeze it and feel yourself releasing some of that anger into the ball.
Jenny: Another good way to calm down when you're angry is by listening to calm music. When you stop to notice that you're feeling angry and about to have a huge outburst, listen to calming songs. You can even make a playlist on your MP3 player or phone with songs that make you feel calm, confident, or happy. Take deep breaths while listening; this will calm you down more. Try songs like Dan Wilson's "All Will Be Well," "Paradise" by Alina Baraz, or Coldplay's "Don't Panic." Some people with anxiety say that songs like these help them to stay calm when they're feeling upset.
Sarah: What kind of songs will help me stay calm?
Jenny: Anything that's nice and mellow might do. My friend knows how to set up playlists of songs for appropriate occasions, and she has a playlist of songs that might help you feel more calm when you're stressed out. Maybe you should give those songs a try.
Sarah: Oh...okay.
Taking deep breaths while listening to some calm music is one of the best ways to help you calm down when you're angry.
Jenny: Another way to calm down is to try a quick strategy to take your mind off of anger.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: There are lots of things that you can try. Keep trying new strategies until you find one that works best for you. You could try counting to ten slowly, getting outside and doing something active, or asking a parent or guardian for a chore or task like baking cookies, folding laundry, or pulling weeds in the garden.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: The second step to control your anger is by properly dealing with others when you're mad.
Sarah: How can I do that?
Jenny: First off, you should learn to say how you are feeling, even if you are very mad. Instead of yelling, saying mean things, or pouting and not saying anything at all, you should express the way you are feeling by using your words. If you don't say how you are feeling, the anger will build up inside of you until you do or say something you regret.
Sarah: Really? I should use my words and talk calmly instead of yelling?
Jenny: Of course you should. Try telling the person you are talking to something like, "I am so upset right now. I can't talk about this until I calm down a little bit." You might also say, "I feel so embarrassed and angry when you call me that."
Sarah: Oh. I get it now.
Jenny: You should also properly ask for what you want and need. Sometimes young adults get mad because they are disappointed, confused, or because someone does something they don't like. But other people won't know why you are upset or how to help you unless you talk to them.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes. You should never just sit and let the anger grow inside of you. Instead, you should talk to the person who upset you or made you angry. Just remember to treat other people how you want to be treated. Just because you are angry about something doesn't mean it's okay to hurt others. When you're mad, take a minute to think about what you say or do. Don't ever hit anyone or call someone names just because you're mad. Try to remember that being mean when someone is making you angry will not fix the problem. All it will do is cause more problems, and maybe even get you into trouble.
Sarah: It will?
Jenny: Yes, it will. That's why you should treat the person who made you mad in a non-violent manner. Instead of yelling or hitting, use your words and keep your hands to yourself. Talk the person who made you mad in a calm voice and find a way to make things better.
Sarah: Oh. But, how can I find a way to make things better?
Jenny: Well, it's simple. If you are angry about something in particular, think about what needs to change for you to feel better. Getting mad doesn't usually change things, but you can take action to make the situation better or keep it from happening again.
Sarah: Can you give me some examples on how to do that?
Jenny: Certainly. If someone has treated you unfairly, you could explain the problem to them and ask them to treat you differently. If you're angry because nobody will listen to you, you can ask a friend or a family member to help you work through it.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Now I'm going to tell you how you can prevent your angry outbursts. Are you listening?
Sarah: Yes.
Jenny: First, you should figure out what is making you so mad. There are a lot of things that might anger you. Figuring out which things are your "triggers" that set you off can help you avoid those situations.
Sarah: What kind of triggers?
Jenny: Well, sometimes there is one thing that makes you mad, like when someone doesn't give you what you want or doesn't listen to you. If you can identify which situation makes you angry, you can avoid it or prepare ahead of time to not get so angry when it happens.
Sarah: Okay.
Jenny: If someone is bullying you, even online, you should report them, or other people who are making you mad on purpose. If there is someone who is picking on you or making you mad, tell someone about it. Talk to a parent, guardian, or any other trusted adult about what is going on. If someone is bullying you on a wiki, report to the Wikia staff. You may also want to do whatever you can to avoid the person until the issue is resolved.
Sarah: You mean, I can't fight back someone who is bullying me?
Jenny: No, you shouldn't. That's not going to make things better.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: The next step is to talk to a therapist or other adult you trust. A therapist can calm you down and help you make good decisions even when you're upset. Try setting up a meeting with your local therapist to discuss your anger issues.
Sarah: But...what should I say to them?
Jenny: Well, try saying something like, "I am struggling to control my feelings of anger sometimes and I think I need some help."
Sarah: That...kind of sounds like a reasonable thing to say to a therapist.
Jenny: Indeed it is.
A therapist can help you make better decisions and calm down easier when you're upset.
Sarah: How else can I prevent my angry outbursts?
Jenny: You need to try and make sure you're getting enough rest. Some people get angry more often if they are tired. Be sure you are getting enough rest at night, and not trying to do too many activities during the day when you're not well-rested.
Sarah: Really? Getting more sleep at night will make me less stressed.
Jenny: It's true, Sarah. The more rested you feel, the less angry you will be.
Sarah: I never thought of that.
Jenny: Another way to prevent yourself from getting really angry is by making sure you are getting enough to eat and drink.
Sarah: Getting enough to eat and drink? That sounds a little weird.
Jenny: It does sound a little weird, but some people have more angry outbursts when they're hungry or thirsty.
Sarah: Do they?
Jenny: Yes, according to some studies.
Sarah: So, what can I eat and drink when I'm angry?
Jenny: Well, you should try to eat healthy foods instead of foods high in sugar or fat. Snacks like string cheese, apples with peanut butter, or a banana can help keep you from feeling angry.
Sarah: Healthy snacks can make me feel better when I get angry?
Jenny: Of course they can, Sarah. You should try eating a healthy snack when you feel stressed.
Sarah: Oh...okay.
Jenny: The next step is to try practicing deep breathing. People can learn to relax themselves through meditation. Try taking deep breaths and do it regularly, not just when you're feeling angry. Try spending five or ten minutes at night before bed relaxing with deep breathing. This can help you sleep better and calm your feelings.
Sarah: It can?
Jenny: It certainly can, Sarah. Practicing deep breathing and meditation every day will help you control your anger more easily.
Sarah: I see.
Practicing meditation and deep breathing is a good way to prevent angry outbursts.
Jenny: Do you seem to understand how you can control your anger now?
Sarah: I guess I do.
Jenny: Well, the next time you get angry, make sure to take notice, take deep breaths, relax your body, and try to take your mind off of what's making you angry.
Sarah: I guess I'll try.
Jenny: Another emotion you have a hard time controlling is your sadness.
Sarah: How can you tell that I have a hard time controlling my sadness?
Jenny: Well, I've noticed that you have a tendency to cry a lot when something upsets you.
Sarah: You have?
Jenny: Indeed. It seems to me that, just like how you get angry over some small things, you have a tendency to get teary-eyed over some things, even if they're very small or no big deal. You cry when you don't get the food item that you want at a restaurant. You cry when your favorite sports team loses to another team. You cry when something shocks or frightens you. Sometimes you even cry for no good reason at all.
Sarah: I know, but sometimes I just can't help it.
Jenny: Well, I believe that your tendency to cry over little things is because you're very sensitive. But there are some ways you can stop yourself from crying and prevent the tears from coming when you feel like you're going to cry.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: Well, watching your favorite shows or movies, eating fast food, and playing your favorite video games are not going to help anymore.
Sarah: They're not?
Jenny: No, they're not. But there are some strategies that you can try to stop yourself from crying and calm down.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: To start, you can calm yourself down by physical actions.
Sarah: What kind of physical actions?
Jenny: Well, I'll start by talking about the easiest thing to do to calm yourself down. Focusing on your breathing and taking deep breaths can help you calm down. Calming yourself is a big part of stopping yourself from crying. Focusing on breathing, as in meditation, can help you to control the emotions you are feeling and help you to restore a sense of inner peace. Taking deep breaths might be hard to do while you are sobbing, but try your best to breathe as deeply as you can. When you feel the tears coming, breathing in slowly and deeply through your nose, then exhale slowly through your mouth. Doing this will both relax the lump that forms in your throat when you are on the verge of tears, and will stabilize your thoughts and emotions. You can also try counting to ten as you breathe. Breathe in through your nose when you count a number. Exhale through your mouth when you are between numbers. Counting helps you to focus solely on your breath and not whatever is making you want to cry.
Sarah: Hmm, that sounds complicated, but taking deep breaths seems pretty easy.
Jenny: It is easy. There are other easy ways you can stop yourself from crying with physical distractions.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: Well, you can distract yourself with a physical movement. When you are on the verge of tears, it is important to get your mind onto other things. Physically distracting yourself is one way to keep yourself from crying. For example, you can squeeze your hands together. The pressure should be enough to distract you from the reason why you feel like crying. If you don't feel like squeezing your hands together is enough, find something else to squeeze, whether it is a stress toy or a pillow.
Sarah: But what if physical distractions aren’t enough?
Jenny: Well, as you take deep breaths and squeeze something in your hands, try to think of something else that you can focus on. Sometimes you can stop the flow of tears by redirecting your attention onto something else. For example, you could change your focus by doing some simple math problems in your head. Adding up small numbers or going over the times table in your head will distract your from what is making you feel upset and help you calm down. You can also think of something funny.
Sarah: That kind of sounds hard to do.
Jenny: Well, while it may seem hard to do in the face of whatever is making you want to cry, thinking of something funny can really help you overcome your tears. Think of something that has made you laugh in the past - a funny memory, a scene from a funny movie, or a joke you heard once.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: Next, you should remind yourself that you are a strong individual. Giving yourself a mental pep-talk when you feel like you are on the verge of tears can help you overcome your desire to cry. Tell yourself that it is okay to feel sad, but that you cannot feel sad right now. Remind yourself of the reasons you cannot cry at that moment - you don't want to cry in front of people you don't know, or you want to be strong for someone else, etc. Tell yourself that you will let yourself feel sad, but that you need to hold it together for that moment. Remember that you are a great person, who has friends and family who love you. Think of what you have achieved in your life, as well as what you hope to achieve in the future.
Sarah: Am I a strong person?
Jenny: Well, with a little practice and self-encouragement, you will eventually learn that you are indeed strong and able to control your emotions.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: While you're calming yourself down, try to address the reasons to why you were crying.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: Well, first of all, you should try to identify your negative or sad thoughts. You might think something like, "I can't trust him anymore...," or "I have no one…" In the moment, identifying the thought may seem like it makes it worse, but it is the first step in regaining control of your thoughts and tears.
Sarah: But what if that makes me want to cry more?
Jenny: Well, then you try something else.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: You should write down what is upsetting you on paper. If you are too upset to write a formal sentence, feel free to write anything. You can simply list incomplete sentences, a page with one big feeling word, or a page full of feeling words. The point is to get these feelings and thoughts onto a page and out of your mind a little. Later on you can reflect on and discuss these feelings and thoughts when you are in a calmer state. Writing down what's bothering you can also help you have a conversation with someone who might be hurting you.
Sarah: It can?
Jenny: Of course it can. Writing down your feelings is a good way to just let it all out when you're upset about something.
Sarah: I see.
Writing about your thoughts and feelings can help you feel better when you're upset.
Jenny: You should also remind yourself that the situation you are in is only temporary. Though in one of these moments it feels permanent, try to remind yourself that the moment will pass. That moment is not forever. This will help you see a bigger picture beyond this overwhelming moment. Try splashing some cold water on your face. The coolness can distract you for a moment to gain control of your breathing.
Sarah: Okay.
Jenny: The next step is to consider and prevent crying.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: First, you should ask yourself if your crying is a problem or even necessary in the situation that you're in. When crying fits start to feel out of your control and affect your personal or work life, then it may be considered a problem worth addressing.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes, really. Next, you should think about why you cry. If it's something small, just try to calm yourself down and tell yourself that it's no big deal. If it's something big, you may have to talk to someone about how you're feeling.
Sarah: I should?
Jenny: Of course you should.
Sarah: What else should I do?
Jenny: Well, you should identify the things that trigger your crying. Start being aware of the situations leading up to your crying fits and write them down. When do the fits happen? Are there certain days, situations, events, or scenarios that elicit intense crying? Are there things that trigger a crying fit? For example, if listening to a certain song makes you tear up, take the provoking song off of your playlists and avoid listening to it. If watching a certain movie makes you tear up, stop watching that movie. The same goes for pictures, smells, places, etc. If you don't want to be exposed to these upsetting reminders, it is okay to avoid them for a while.
Sarah: It is?
Jenny: Yes. Once you identify your crying triggers, you should start avoiding them at all costs.
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: You should also start writing in a journal. Write down any negative thoughts and ask yourself if they're rational. Likewise, consider if your ideals are rational and realistic. Remember to be kind to yourself. A good way to do this is to list any accomplishments or things that make you happy. Think of your journal or diary as a record of what you're grateful for. Try to contribute to your journal or diary every day. When you feel like you're going to cry, read what you've already written and remind yourself what makes you happy. Writing your thoughts down will help you to sort them out and feel better. Journaling can also help you to deal with stress, anxiety, and depression. For best results, set aside a few minutes every day to write about your thoughts and feelings. You can structure your journal any way that you like and write about whatever you want.
Sarah: Does that work?
Jenny: Well, it does work for some people.
Sarah: Gee...maybe I should start keeping a journal.
Writing your thoughts in journal will help you feel better when you're sad.
Jenny: You should try to evaluate yourself. Ask yourself, "How do I cope with conflict?" Do you typically respond with anger? Tears? Ignoring it? Chances are, if you let conflict build up by ignoring it, you'll end up overwhelmed with emotion, and might end up either throwing a huge, angry tantrum or having a huge sobbing fit. Becoming aware of how to respond to conflict may help you identify what path you need to take.
Sarah: It will?
Jenny: Yes, it will.
Sarah: How do I do that?
Jenny: Well, it's simple. Remember to ask yourself, "Who is in control?" Reclaim control over your life so you have the power to change outcomes. For example, rather than say, "That teacher is terrible and made me fail that test," admit that you didn't study enough and that led to your poor score. Next time, focus on studying and accepting the outcome.
Sarah: Oh...okay.
Jenny: You should also try to understand how thoughts affect your emotions and behavior. If you continuously think negative thoughts, you may be fostering harmful emotions. You might even revisit negative, sad memories that happened in the distant past, which also keeps the crying going. This can cause damaging behavior, including prolonged crying fits. Once you're aware of the effects your thoughts have, you can begin to change your thinking to create more positive situations. For example, if you keep thinking, "I'm not good enough," you may begin to feel hopeless or insecure. Learn to stop the thought process before it affects your emotional well-being.
Sarah: I see. But...why are you concerned about wanting me to learn to stop crying when I get upset over some things?
Jenny: It's because I'm rather concerned about you. What makes me concerned is that you're usually not in control of your emotions, or you become upset without a good reason.
Sarah: I know. You told me already.
Jenny: Even though you're prone to breaking down and wanting to cry when you're overwhelmed, you can learn to manage your emotions more effectively.
Sarah: Do you mean that I need to stop being a crybaby?
Jenny: Well, yes, if you put it that way.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: Well, I'll explain some techniques you can use to diffuse your emotion, both in the short and long term. In other words, I'll give you some tips on how to stop being a crybaby all the time.
Sarah: Okay.
Jenny: First, you should take a moment to breathe. Instead of focusing on what's bothering you, take some time to focus on only your breathing. Close your eyes, and count to four as you breathe in. Count to four again as you breathe out. Place all your concentration on your breathing rather than your problem.
Sarah: Okay...what next?
Jenny: You can talk to someone about how you're feeling. Whether it's a friend or family member, taking a minute to talk about what's bothering you can help defuse the situation. It can also help you figure out what's actually bothering you. It can be difficult to say you're having a hard time if you're worried the person will judge you or make fun of you.
Sarah: What kind of people can I talk to?
Jenny: It's simple. You should find a trusted friend, family member, teacher, or counselor to share your thoughts with.
Sarah: I see. But what if I can't find anyone to talk to about how I'm feeling?
Jenny: Well, just step away from the problem. Sometimes, all it takes is to step away from the problem. If you can, try going outside for a few minutes to truly get away. Plus, being outside can help lower your tension. Tell the people you're with what you're doing, if you'd like. You can say something such as "I need to take a break right now. I'll be back in five minutes."
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Of course. Not only you can take a physical break, but you can also try to take a mental break. If you can't physically step away, try mentally refocusing. Think about something that made you very happy. You can think of a person, like a friend or a family member, and the happy memories you had with them. Alternatively, try thinking about your favorite vacation. Focus fully on that thought for several minutes, trying to draw up as many details of the memory as you can.
Sarah: Does that work?
Jenny: It certainly does. As you're taking a break, try to identify what emotion is triggering your tears and why. Take a moment to think about what you're actually feeling. By beginning to identify what's triggering your tears, you can calm yourself down and stop those tears more easily as you are better able to notice when the emotion is beginning. Try to notice what's going on in your body. For example, anger may make you frown, feel red or hot, or make your muscles feel tense. Sadness can make you feel "down" or "slow."
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Whatever you do, you should never berate yourself. If you find yourself tearing up, don't start beating yourself up, because you'll only make yourself more upset, and it won't help the situation. Instead, try being accepting of yourself. For example, if you feel upset, tell yourself, "I feel upset right now, but it's normal. It's okay to feel that way, but I can control my response to that feeling. I don't have to cry."
Sarah: Does that work?
Jenny: Yes, it does. Using positive thinking works as well. It can really hurt when people are unkind to you, and it can either make you angry or cause tears to show up.
Sarah: I know.
Jenny: But you should remember to examine what people have said to you in a way that's kind to yourself.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: For example, if someone has made fun of your new haircut, it would be natural to feel angry or hurt. Try reminding yourself that others' opinions of you don't matter; what matters is how you feel about yourself. You could say, "I feel hurt that my friend made fun of my outfit, but I like it. I don't have to feel bad that someone else doesn't like it." Tell yourself nice things in the mirror every morning. This will help build up your self-confidence, which can help you keep those tears in check. Tell yourself that you're strong and smart, and you can do this.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Once you've learned how to manage your stress and negative in the short term, try to manage them in the long term.
Sarah: How am I gonna do that?
Jenny: Allow me to explain. First off, you should learn to say no. Sometimes, stress and too much emotion can simply come from stretching yourself too thin. Learn to say no to some of your commitments so you can fully commit to the other ones. The best way to say "no" is to just keep it simple. That is, don't offer explanations, just say "No, I'm sorry, I can't do that." You don't have to justify why you don't have the time to commit to something. But you don't have to say no all the way. For instance, if someone asks you to bake cupcakes for a bake sale, you could say that you don't have the time to bake them, but you would be willing to buy some if that was acceptable.
Sarah: Okay.
Jenny: The next thing you should do is practice time management. Don't let a list of tasks overwhelm you. Make a plan to get things done. Start with what's most important, and schedule time to get it done. Once you've started completing items on your list, you'll feel stress start to melt off.
Sarah: So, being able to get things done reduces stress?
Jenny: It does. You should also take some time each day to write. Writing in a journal about what you're feeling can be very cathartic. Over time, it can also help you learn what makes you upset, which can take some of the sting out of the situation. If you don't know where to begin, ask yourself what moments you enjoyed and what moments you didn't enjoy in your day. Look at what emotions contributed to each situation.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: If writing your thoughts doesn't seem like enough, you should try practicing meditation. Meditation can be as simple as learning to listen to your breathing. It's taking a step back from the world, taking your focus from your stress and relaxing your body. For instance, one type of meditation involves repeating a mantra over and over. A mantra is a short word or phrase that helps focus the mind. However, your mantra can be whatever you want. Concentrate on letting your thoughts go, concentrating on repeating that phrase over and over.
Sarah: That kind of does sound relaxing.
Jenny: It does. You can also try a repetitive hobby. Hobbies such as knitting or even solving jigsaw puzzles help you step away from your emotions. They are like meditation in that way, helping you clear your mind.
Sarah: Okay.
Jenny: But do you know what helps your mind and body other than meditation, writing, and taking up some new hobbies?
Sarah: I don't know. What is it?
Jenny: Getting some exercise. You should try to exercise more often, because exercise is a great way to manage stress. For one, you get lost in the motion, and it becomes a form of meditation, helping you forget what's wrong. In addition, it ups your endorphins, which make you feel better about life. Aim for 150 minutes of aerobic activity a week, if you're exercising moderately.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: The next thing is that you should confront your friends when you get upset.
Sarah: How come?
Jenny: Well, sometimes, it's not you that hurt your feelings. Sometimes, it's the people you hang out with that hurt your feelings. The next time you find yourself in a situation where someone makes you feel hurt, tell that person. You can't make the situation better if you don't say something. It may be hard to get the words out, but the words don't need to be anything special. All you have to say is, "What you [did or said] hurt me, and I would appreciate it if you don't do it again."
Sarah: Oh.
Jenny: You should also try to surround yourself with better people. If you're constantly feeling put-down by the people around you, you may need to get new friends. Of course, give the people around you a chance to change. However, if they repeatedly hurt you, maybe it's time to find some new friends.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: Now let's talk about how you can identify the cause of your tears. Are you listening?
Sarah: Yes, Jenny. I am listening.
Jenny: Good. Now, listen carefully. First, you should determine whether you are being bullied. Bullies, whether at school, work, or the playground, can make you feel like crying. Fortunately, there are people you can turn to for help if you're being bullied. Allow me to explain all the signs of bullying.
Sarah: What are the signs of bullying?
Jenny: Someone uses his or her power over you to control or hurt you. For example, a much larger kid at school pushes you around, or someone uses personal information about you to get you to do things you don't want to do. A bully might also isolate you from friends or keep you from getting to do things at school. Bullying can be physical, verbal, or social. Physical bullying includes things like hitting, pushing, and tripping. Verbal bullying includes things like teasing and name-calling. Social bullying includes things like leaving you out of things, telling other kids not to be friends with you, and intentionally embarrassing you. If these things happen to you on a regular basis, you may be being bullied. Talk to a trusted parent, friend, or counselor for help. Don't try to confront the bully yourself; you could put yourself in danger. Even your "friends" can bully you. Good friends will be kind and supportive. Teasing will be playful, not malicious, and real friends will stop teasing if you ask them to. If you generally feel bad when hanging out with your friends, it may be a sign that they aren't really your friends.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: You should try to push deeper. Sometimes, your surface emotions are covering up something much deeper. Push to see if some other emotion is below, and what is causing that emotion. Maybe you're crying when someone criticizes you, but what's really bothering you is something to do with your boyfriend or someone like that. If you can figure out what's really bothering you, you can take steps to improve the situation, such as having a serious discussion with the person.
Sarah: Really?
Jenny: Yes. Next, you should look for signs of stress. Being stressed can cause you to feel more emotions and act out on them more. For instance, you may find yourself feeling more anxious or irritable, and you may find yourself crying more often. You might also be more anxious in general and find yourself getting angry at people more easily. You could also have physical symptoms, such as not being able to sleep well, having headaches, feeling extra tired, and being more susceptible to sickness.
Sarah: Hmm, that seems to make sense, because I sometimes get teary-eyed when I feel sick or get really anxious.
Jenny: You should also pay attention to your cycle. Since you're a woman, your tears could be related to your menstrual cycle. Some women experience premenstrual syndrome, which can start a week or two before your period. It's most likely related to hormones. This syndrome can cause you to feel emotionally unbalanced while it is going on, including inducing tears.
Sarah: Uh...Do you really think that tears are caused by my menstrual cycle?
Jenny: Well, for some women they are. You should also watch for deeper causes. Uncontrollable emotions, especially if they are constant, could be a sign of something a little more serious. For instance, it's possible you could be clinically depressed or have an anxiety disorder. If you feel like you cry too much and you have other symptoms for long periods of time, talk to a doctor about it. Symptoms that could be more serious include pervasive anxiety, constantly feeling afraid or like something bad is going to happen, feeling detached from life, feeling continually sad, or always feeling bad about yourself.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: So, do you understand how you can control your negative emotions now?
Sarah: Yeah, I guess so. Jenny, can I ask you something?
Jenny: Certainly. What is your question?
Sarah: Have you ever gotten angry or cried over problems you've had in your life?
Jenny: No. Never. Not even once.
Sarah: Really? You've never had?
Jenny: Not at all. In fact, I hardly show any emotion, and I'm always able to keep myself together in any situation.
Sarah: Whoa...that's so weird.
Jenny: It may seem weird, but it's one of the reasons why I'm mature.
Sarah: Jenny, how do you know so much about controlling emotions when you rarely show any emotion at all?
Jenny: Well, the reason why I'm calm and collected all the time is because I know how to keep myself under control. I've observed and read about some of the problems that people have in their lives and how they're able to solve them and control their emotions easily. That's part of what being mature is all about.
Sarah: Oh...so, it isn't as weird as I think it is.
Jenny: No, it's not. To me, it's perfectly normal.
Sarah: I guess so. Maybe I should be more in control of my emotions, both negative and positive.
Jenny: Well, with the help of my advice and some time and practice, you'll be able to control your emotions easier.
Sarah: You're right. I guess I will.
Part 6: Trying New Things[]
Jenny: What I'm also concerned about is that you're not trying anything new.
Sarah: Like what?
Jenny: Well, first of all, you spend way too much time watching your favorite movies and TV shows, making random videos on GoAnimate, and playing video games. You need to stop spending so much time staring at a screen. It's not good for you.
Sarah: It's not?
Jenny: No, it's not. You need to spend more time reading books and doing something creative than watching TV or playing video games all the time.
Sarah: How come?
Jenny: Because you need to exercise your brain. See, your brain is like a muscle, and if you don't exercise it by reading or doing something creative, it will get very weak and turn to mush. If you spend all your time watching TV and playing video games, you're basically going to be a mindless zombie for the rest of your life. You don't want that, do you?
Sarah: Um...no.
Jenny: Well, then you should spend more time reading or drawing.
Sarah: But, I don't think I'm very good at drawing, and the only books I read are fairy tales.
Jenny: Well, maybe it's time you learned how to draw and read more books than just fairy tales.
Sarah: But, what kind of books?
Jenny: Well, there are lots of books that can interest you. Mystery books, fantasy books, science fiction books, comic books, you name it.
Sarah: But Jenny, if you're gonna make me read a lot of books, how should I keep track of the books that I read?
Jenny: Well, the best way to keep track of the books you've read is by making a reading list.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: Allow me to explain. A reading list can be a great way to get your liking for books back on track after a hiccup caused by a life tragedy, a huge influx of new material, or just a generic reading slump. But sometimes building a reading list can be more intimidating than making your way through it. That's why I'll give you four steps to help you build a reading list. The first step is to determine how much time you have.
Sarah: How does that work?
Jenny: Well, it's simple. You just have to determine how much time you have to read all of the books on you reading list. Although it's ambitious and tempting to read 30 books in a month, it might not be feasible. If you try to read too much, then your reading list won't be very successful. When you set out to build your next reading list, you should always have a time frame. Ask yourself: "Is this reading list for the summer? For the semester? For the year?" Your time frame should have definite beginning and end dates, so try to aim for fewer books from lists such as "Books to Read before You Get Married" or "Books to Read before You Die," unless you absolutely, 100 percent know when you will get married or die...or so,etching like that. You should also acknowledge how much time you're willing to devote to reading. Are you going to be on bed rest for the next two months? Then you can probably get more reading done than someone working overtime every week. Realizing you can only read for ten hours each week might stop you from trying to read an author's entire bibliography in six weeks, but it will also spare you the disappointment of not meeting your reading goals. This will lead you to the second step: Picking a goal or two. Having a purpose to your reading list will make it that much more enjoyable to build and work through. Are you reading for self-improvement? Do you want to read only books written by women of color? Do you have a favorite author you haven't revisited in a while? No matter how unimportant your goal may seem, it can mean the difference between successfully completing your reading list and starting another reading slump. Once you've set a goal, you should start mixing it up a little.
Sarah: Mixing it up a little? What do you mean?
Jenny: It means that you need to select and order your books so that you won't get bored. Whether you're reading through a long series or trying to brush up on your Russian history, reading a lot of the same thing can lead to burnout. So, don't be afraid to mix things up a bit. Alternate between authors, genres, and book lengths to make sure you won't get bogged down when you're only halfway done. Or, better yet, don't order your list at all; just cross each book off as you finish it. That way, you're always reading exactly what you're in the mood for.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny: The fourth and final step to starting a perfect reading list is to give yourself some elbow room every now and then. Life changes can happen in a flash. The person you are when you build your reading list may not be the person you are when you read through it. And that's okay. Because life happens, you should always have a few blank spaces on your reading list. Whether they wind up being for an unplanned read or an extension on one of your longer selections, in the end, you'll be glad you included them. So, do you understand how you can start a reading list now?
Sarah: Uh, yeah, I think so.
Jenny: If you still need a little help, try watching some videos to see how expert writers and bookworms start their reading lists.
Lori Gottlieb How to create a reading list
Watch this video to hear this author share her tips and tricks on creating a reading list.
Jenny: What I'm also concerned about is the way you draw pictures by hand.
Sarah: Really? How come?
Jenny: Well, when you draw a character by hand, it comes off looking a little wonky.
Sarah: A little wonky? What do you mean?
Jenny: Well, sometimes the head looks a little too big and the neck looks a little too thick. Sometimes the outline looks a little too squiggly or messed up.
Sarah: Really? Then what do you want me to do about it?
Jenny: Maybe it's time for you to learn how to improve your drawing.
Sarah: How?
Jenny: By taking some lessons from experts, of course. I know a few artists who share their tips and tricks on drawing through their videos on YouTube. Some of them might help you improve your drawing if you watch their videos and observe the way they draw.
Sarah: I see.
Jenny:
Sarah: You mean, I can't play my favorite video games or watch my favorite movies, cartoons, and anime all the time?
Jenny: No, you can't. You can't just stick with the things you like all the time. You need to add a little more variety in your life. You must take a break from your favorite things from time to time and try something new for a change. You should try other things, or some things that are similar to what you like.
Sarah: Really?
Conclusion[]
Jenny: Listen, Sarah, I'm not doing this to be mean. I'm only trying to help you. You've chained yourself to childhood for far too long, and I want to set you free and enter adulthood the proper way. I want you to get better at working on wikis properly and improve your writing, while also maturing and becoming an adult. I want to help you the best that I can.
Sarah: You're right...I guess I do need help.
Jenny: While we might not know each other very well and we've never met in real life, I still want to help you as much as I can.
Sarah: I know, Jenny, and I think it's great that you want to help.
(Sarah gets up from her chair and begins to leave, but Jenny stops her as she's about to open the door)
Jenny: Wait, Sarah. There's only one more thing I want to tell you.
Sarah: What is it, Jenny?
Jenny: I'll be making some pages on the GoAnimate wikis to help you and give you some advice, so that you will be able to learn more from me. I don't expect a lot from you, Sarah, but I expect you to become a better person in the future.
Sarah: Is that all?
Jenny: Yes, Sarah. That's all I have. You may leave now.
(Sarah leaves the room)
Sebastian: Sarah, thank you for listening to Jenny. I hope you've learned a few things after having this discussion with her.
Sarah: I think I have. I'm still learning, but I hope she understands...because, I want to understand. I'm not in a big rush to grow up and advance toward maturity, but I guess Jenny was right. I think that, with a little practice and some time to try new things, I'll be able to hold on to the advice that she gave me for a long time.
Sebastian: I'm sure you will.
Jenny: James Reyes, it's your turn. I want you to do more things than just The Lion King and Shimajiro. So, let's start my discussion with you.